Remember how funny I thought it was that, after I teased two big deaths on Big Love, none of you tried to pry clues out of me? Well, now that you’ve started prying — to the point where I’m surprised EW.com’s emailbox hasn’t crashed, I don’t think it’s so funny anymore. So here’s the deal: You limit yourselves to just a few thousand letters a day about TV’s best show, and in return, I’ll run down the odds of these major characters meeting, as skeevy old Roman would say, “their heavenly father.” There’s also a supporting player I’ll be sad to see bite the dust in the March bloodbath, but that one’s identity I’m gonna leave you guessing at… until tomorrow when Ask Ausiello goes live.
Odds of the goner being Nicki: 16%. Because: Once Bill and her sister
wives discover the lengths she went to on her father’s behalf, life as
she knew it will be over. So perhaps, to her, it might seem less
painful if life, period, were over, too.
Odds of the goner being Frank: 22%. Because: Once Bill’s parents
started taking turns trying to do away with one another, planet Earth,
never mind the Juniper Creek compound, was no longer big enough for
both of them.
Odds of the goner being Lois: 11%. Because: See above. But her odds of
surviving are better than her “better” half’s because c’mon, can you
imagine an episode without Grace Zabriskie? I sure can’t.
Odds of the goner being Sarah: 17%. Because: With all hell breaking
loose in the Henricksons’ increasingly small world, it would be awfully
easy for an innocent to get caught in the crossfire. Plus, after Mamma
Mia! the big screen is beckoning Amanda Seyfried.
Odds of the goner being Roman: 13%. Because: You don’t have to be a
prophet to foresee that someone with as many enemies as wives — who’s
already been shot once — is a serious contender buy the farm.
Odds of the goner being Alby: 9%. Because: You know you’re in trouble
when your own mother takes out a hit on you. And if Dad were moved to
do the same, something tells me the only boys “the usurper” would be
trysting with would be angels.
Odds of the goner being Ana: 3%. Because: Her murder would afford the
Greenes the satisfaction of taking away one of Bill’s wives without us
having to lose Barb, Margene or Nicki. Of course, first the character
would have to be reintroduced…
Odds of the goner being Wanda: 9%. Because: Let’s face it, Joey’s
whack-job wife spends every day with one foot in insanity, the other in
the grave. The only question is, would she do herself in, or would
someone else do it for her?
So what do you think? I can tell you with 100% certainty that the
soon-to-be dearly departed is among the contenders above. Who’s it
gonna be? And, maybe even more interesting, who do you want it to be? (Additional reporting by Andy Patrick)