Conan O'Brien's first monologue: 'Welcome to my second annual first show'

conan-obrienImage Credit: TBSConan O’Brien’s first monologue was released in advance of his show’s debut on TBS tonight.  Here are his opening remarks:

“Thank you.  Thank you and welcome to my second annual first show. Yes, I know what you guys are thinking, `Hey, it’s the guy from Twitter.’ Welcome to my new show, Conan. People ask me why I named the show Conan. I did it so I’d be harder to replace. This is an exciting night.  I’m glad to be on cable.  The truth is, I’ve dreamed of being a talk show host on basic cable ever since I was 46.

“And things are going well already. I’m happy to report that we’re already No. 1 in TBS’s key demographic — people who can’t afford HBO. I’m going to be honest:  It’s not easy doing a late-night show on a channel without a lot of money and that viewers have trouble finding.  So that’s why I left NBC. But the weird thing is this:  I put myself and my staff through a lot because I refused to go on at midnight.  So I get this job at eleven.  Then, yesterday, Daylight Savings Time ended — so right now it’s basically midnight.  In fact, it’s 12:05.

“A lot’s happened in the news since I went off the air — and I was hoping I could cover it all in one joke.  But then I realized that’s like trying to keep an Icelandic volcano from wearing Lady Gaga’s meat dress while a trapped Chilean miner cleans up the BP oil spill…Brett Favre’s penis.”

For more on Conan O’Brien:

Conan O’Brien prepares for tonight’s premiere in new American Express commercial
Conan O’Brien gives you five reasons to watch his new show

Comments (88 total) Add your comment
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  • Barry

    No wonder Fox passed on him. TBS will yank him off the air before summer.

    • nancy

      Oh Barry!

    • Younger Than Barry

      Sure the will, Barry. Sure they will.

      I’m sure that bumping Lopez Tonight back into that spot will net them better ratings.

    • julio

      barry, eat my weiner

    • LOL

      America loves Coco!

    • Conando

      you sound pressed

    • brian

      You are a moron. Not only was it funny, you fail to realize that at 1/2 the viewers of the premier he best john stewart in ratings!

  • Michael

    Not funny … just annoying as always. I suppose there are some frat boys in the midwest who might enjoy this sort of thing, but really . . .

    • Ryan

      This non-greek affiliated female loved Conan’s show. I think he’s refreshing and honest. Yes he’s awkward, but that’s part of his appeal. No one said you had to watch him.

  • Tick_Tock

    Cant’ wait!!! This show is gonna rock!!!

  • Justin

    Wow, it looks like the AARP members are out in force in this comment section.

    • swanee

      The word must have spread via jitterbug

      • apetty

        Thank you for making me LOL.

    • Barry

      We’re not allowed to have an opinion? The world DOESN’T revolve around young people.

      • Robert

        you’ve already expressed your opinion – that is why that washed-up hack Jay Leno is currently on television. Go enjoy your Jay Leno and leave us to enjoy Conan.

  • Stein Smith

    He’s got a lot of fans.

  • Casey

    Good start. I’ll definitely be tuning in.

  • Keith

    You are funnier than Letterman. I don’t know about Leno, I never watch him.

  • Thomas

    Apparently, I thought it was hilarious, good to have Conan back.

  • Dear Above Jay Leno Fans

    It’s heartening to see that they allow nursing home residents to use the computer and comment. You guys better get to bed, so you don’t miss a minute of Jay!

    • Jim

      I don’t watch Leno, Don’t care about Letterman, Try to watch Craig, IF I’M UP THAT LATE!!! Watched the new Conan show, was not entertained in the least…

  • Rip Van Winkle

    I love Jay Leno!

  • E.

    Yikes, what’s up with the horrible comments above? Conan’s awesome and this monologue has the sardonic wit that I love about him. So glad to have him back!

  • JP

    Reading a joke and hearing a comedian deliver a joke is night and day. Either you like Conan’s style or you don’t. He makes me laugh.

    • Buddymoore

      Completely agree with this. Reading Conan’s jokes and watching him deliver them is completely different. Conan’s delivery is what makes them funny. They usually do a lot of unfunny jokes on purpose just for his delivery and response to it.

    • Snsetblaze

      While I actually thought it was funny, I agree – it was probably better spoken. There would be pauses, changes in inflection and changes in physical body language and facial expressions.

      • Ryan

        The Brett Favre Penis joke was hysterical, but reading it totally killed the joke. Definitely had to watch it

    • kim

      “Either you like Conan’s style or you don’t.” I don’t!

  • Emily

    Jay Leno is so cute!

    • Jim

      In a satanic gnomish kind of way? Yeah, I can see that.

  • nancy

    LEA MICHELE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Lauren

      EAT A SANDWICH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      • CONANFAN

        Nice!

  • Kayla Velst

    Conan rocks my socks off!

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