Ricky Gervais' rudest Golden Globes jokes

golden-globes-gervaisImage Credit: Paul Drinkwater/NBCThis post started as “Ricky Gervais’  Funniest Golden Globes Jokes” but, really, when it comes to Gervais, his lines that rip the Hollywood elite tend to get more people buzzing than the ones that are merely funny. Here are the biggest zingers from the Golden Globes host:

– “Welcome to a night of partying and heavy drinking. Or as Charlie Sheen calls it: breakfast.”

– “I’d like to quash this ridiculous rumor going around that the only reason The Tourist was nominated was so the HFPA could hang out with Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie. That is rubbish. That is not the only reason. They also accepted bribes.” (That line is what presumably prompted the HFPA president to shoot back, “Ricky, next time you want me to help you qualify your movies, go to another guy.”)

– “Nothing for Sex and the City 2. I was sure the award for best special effects would go to the team that airbrushed that poster.”

More jokes and VIDEO of Gervais’ monologue after the jump…

– Introducing Bruce Willis as “Ashton Kutcher’s dad.”

– “Also not nominated, I Love You Phillip Morris, with Ewan McGregor and Jim Carrey, two heterosexual actors pretending to be gay — the complete opposite of some famous Scientologists then.” Gervais added: “My lawyers helped me with the wording of that joke.”

Comments (384 total) Add your comment
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  • David

    He says what we’re all thinking.

    • David

      Hey you forgot to write about the joke he made about Robert Downing Jr. That was rude and very funny.

      • Amanda Kiwinerd

        Screw the crybaby teabagging Christians, I’m in love with that man.

      • Dean

        I just hope he doesn’t end up under cross-hairs. Atheist!

      • Cash

        What are you talking about Amanda? The “crybaby teabagging Christians” love Gervais because he knocks the Hollywood Elite down a peg so effortlessly. Whats more, he’s paid to do so. The man is a GD hero in the bible belt.

      • Amy Weston

        No one cares enough about Ricky Gervais to cry about his commentary. PS- Nice chip you’re carrying Amanda. Here’s to intolerance.

      • Cheery

        Carell and Fey’s bit was funny too.
        “I would’ve given my right arm to have written that.”

      • Chad

        Robert Downing Jr.? Are you freaking kidding me? Why would a joke about some random guy no one has ever heard of be funny? Now if it was a joke about Robert Downey Jr., well that would be entireley different.

      • Bess Knox

        I doubt Ricky is very much loved among the Bible Belt set. He is, after all, an Atheist. And a delightfully cheeky Brit on top of it.

      • Meli

        Rude and funny, and better yet, Downey clearly got the joke.

      • dog

        Chad, you’re a complete tool. I can imagine exactly what you look like, and why it is that most people around you despise you.

      • Jam

        Those don’t seem too rude…more spot on ..and Amanda – a person was sent for a mental evaluation in Arizona following an outburst at a town hall meeting towards a “tea party” supporter ..so if you dont want to end up in the loony bin might want to lose the paranoia

      • Dean

        Jam, look-up the definition of paranoia. Then reflect.

      • Jam

        The point Dean-o is why the heck would Amanda have to even mention the tea party when it comes to Ricky Gervase jokes during the Golden Globes? that’d be maikng a reference to the tea party when talking bout the Packers beating the Bears this weekend and going to the SuperBowl – it would make no sense – Amanda apparently is fearful of the tea party to lash out at it in an entertainment website = fearful without cause = paranoid

      • Eric

        honey….can you please tell me one christian in that audience? he blasted their asses and they needed it… well done Rick

      • Randi

        And RDJ was so game, it made it even better.

      • Caio

        My personal favorite was: ” It feels like everything in movies last year was three dimensional: Except the characters on The Tourist. “

      • Angie G.

        I like RDJ, and I felt bad when Gervais made the quip at him. However, it was funny. And Gervais said everything we would say around our friends.

      • Hi

        @Amanda: I’m one of those “tea-bagging christians” and I thought he was extreamly funny. I esp loved the “scientologist” remark!

      • BigBoo

        @Amanda – Spot on girl. Its funny reading some of the comments by the pro-religious/teabagger set on here praising Gervais. They’ve obviously never seen one of his stand up acts or totally misread the meaning of the movie “The Invention of Lying.” Thank “god” for men like him and Bill Maher – they help to counter the Palins and O’Reilly’s of the world.

      • meso soup

        Ricky Gervais is one funny man!!!!
        Amazingly funny…..

      • guest

        You appear to look at life and its’ media representation as I do. I admire you from a far. Keep up the wit and sting.

      • guest

        @amanda Kiwinerd, you appear to look at life and its’ media representation as I do. I admire you from a far. Keep up the wit and sting.

    • Sorry. no.

      Which isn’t hard, really.

      • Jos

        I didn’t realize hosting a show like this was supposed to be a word wizard extravaganza, which he did just fine at. The hardest part is having balls, and Ricky had 3.

    • ConcreteTundra

      Twenty years ago it was “edgy” when a comedian “spoke his mind.” Now it’s just predictable and hack. It’s shock by numbers. Saying inappropriate things is way too easy of a thing to do. And yet, it seems to work.

      • Jos

        Funny is funny, concretetundra. Take that stick out of your —. Ah, saying what I was thinking felt…refreshing!

      • randyfitzimmons

        It’s actually the opposite of predictable for a comedian to call out Hollywood elite right to their faces.

      • andy

        Gervice was great. My only fear is that he could seriously face retribution for the scientology joke. Those people very well might go after him and they are as vicous and mean spirited as Christians.

    • ashley

      I thought he was hilarious. These people need to learn how to take a joke.

      • Dee

        Laugh out loud funny!! I’m sad he won’t be doing it again next year!

      • Janee

        I keep seeing this ad that says he will be hosting again. I am so excited! Ilove Gervais and I am actually willing to watch a stupid awards show just because of him. I hope Stephen Merchant shows up with him and just tag team

    • Liz Lemon

      Exactly. He was f**king hilarious! I think he could have gone even further, but then the HFPA probably would have had him assassinated.

    • Robbie Booker

      Ditto

    • Sparky

      You said what I was thinking.
      lol.

    • Alan Stanwyck

      He’s right on, plus he was wearing Wingman Pheromones that night. Go figure.

    • Alan

      I’m glad someone somewhere is honest!

    • rb

      i’m thinking… my nose smells like cheese.

    • JJ

      I laughed my butt off! Thats who Ricky G. is!!!

  • etm

    The SATC line was funny – and so true!

    • Sorry. no.

      Please, that joke has been made more times than I can count.

      • Dood

        Well, it looks like you cannot count very high then…

    • MsSuniDaze

      What made that joke even funnier is they cut to Chris Noth …and he nodded!

      • Amy Leigh

        LMAO Now THAT’S funny.

      • kimmy

        i died. chris noth nodding in agreement…lol!!

    • Mike

      That joke is older than the women it makes fun of. Plus its not like they are acting like they are young. half the dang movie was about menopause

      • Emily

        and why do uk this?? i didn’t even bother watching tht trainwreck of a movie!!

      • Mitch Logan

        The joke was not about the movie. It was about the poster. Have you seen the poster? It had more brushwork than the Louvre.

    • Meli

      Did you see the look on Chris Noth’s face with that joke? It looked like he agreed.

    • John

      I thought the line he followed that with was even better: “I saw one of you on an episode of Bonanza!”

      • Ian

        That was definitely the real punchline of the joke.

  • ceci

    Absolutely deplorable and rude hosting job by Gervais.

    • BORRRRING

      More like, ATTEMPTING to be rude. I usually love Mr. Gervais but I wish his jokes would have been more funny and less “look at me I’m trying to be edgy and controversial”. Seriously, that last line about being an atheist was not funny OR controversial, just pointless! As usual with the Golden Globes he is just trying to get people to talk. To me his one liners just sounded like they came straight from the stand up act of Jay Leno’s younger, more annoying, sarcastic teenage nephew.

      • noam

        the atheist line is from his early days in standup. he sneaks it into a lot of his work. he could have been a bit more subtle tonight, but it was classic gervais. that being said, i didn’t find him to be totally spot on. no more harmful than some of de niro’s jokes, though…

      • Jay

        BORRRRING, MOVE ON SIR, and Sorry.no. are all the same pretentious, — wiping twit.

      • talkin’

        That atheist joke was a laugh-out-loud winner here.

      • Jackie

        I agree with you about the atheist comment. Out of nowhere, not necessary, and not funny.

      • Robert Stevens

        The atheist joke was hysterical. The only people upset by it are the hardcore, brain dead, bible thumpers.

      • me

        And not to mention unoriginal. I have heard that joke a million times.

      • LOL

        I was amidst a hot Golden Globes makeout session when we got interrupted by “thank god for making me an atheist” and almost busted a nut. How it affected the date remains to be seen, but undeniably hilarious!

      • Ian

        @ LOL — I’m sure your left hand wasn’t phased by the joke. After all, your left hand wouldn’t have gotten the joke to begin with.

      • John

        I’ve heard the atheist joke before, but never on national American television. It took real testicles to do that one. It seems the bible humpers loved Gervais until that one. LOL.

    • Garry

      Gervais put those spoiled millionaiare actors in their place. They’re so used to having their butts kissed by everyone around them (as well as by their fans), that they don’t know how to handle someone who isn’t awed by their presence. Good for Ricky!

      • mary mcgregor

        Agreed. I am so sick of these pathologically egotistical bores of movie “stars”. Geez, sick of Brangelina, Johnny-has-no-real-depp, Robert “aren’t you uniquely edgy” Downy, the whole bunch who think the world is in deep bated breath waiting for their next thought. Good for Gervais – they all need to be brought down several notches. Bunch of whiners, too!

      • kimmy

        mary-the difference w/ RDJ is that he is completely up for gervais making fun of him!

    • Mario

      Yeah but you kept watching though. Didn’t you ?

  • Sagal

    The Scientology dig was funny. The crowd in unison let out a loud gasp. I hope John Travolta and Tom Cruise were watching. The Ashton Kutcher joke also made me laugh rather loudly.

    These celebs are too into themselves and don’t seem to get that it’s just The Golden Globes, not The Oscars. Did they forget The Globes don’t matter? The Tourist being nominated didn’t give them a clue?

    • MOVE ON SIR

      An audible gasp doesn’t equal funny. It was a “shocking” statement to make, so people reacted. I don’t find that funny. He even had the comedic nerve to tell a joke about Angelina Jolie. EVERYBODY does that at EVERY awards show. TIRED. OLD. BORING.

      • Garry

        Move on, MOVE ON SIR.

      • deedee

        no, you are wrong, they do NOT joke about Angelina Jolie’s box office bombs. What award shows do you watch?

      • Nicole

        An audible gasp means that most people in that room are terrified of Scientologists because the “religion” has that entire town by the balls. Which is exactly why the joke was awesome – the more people that take shots at those nutjobs the better – it detracts from their inexplicable power. It’s come to the point where making a Scientology joke at a celebrity gathering is practically the equivalent of unveiling an illustration of Mohammad for all of the fear it causes. It’s just a cult with a seemingly bottomless litigation budget for god’s sake.

      • tsplaat

        Scientology jokes may be a bit cutting edge because of the power the religion is currently yielding in Hollywood. But you notice that he didn’t do a lot of Jew jokes… now that would be the true comedic death of Gervais.

      • Estfar

        Why do we have such hate. Gervais is tasteless and classless matching an Amercan society in the toilet. We make actors millionaires, then we piss all over them. I happen to support movies good bad or indifferent. Not every film is going to be great or even good, but I like the fact that I can go out and be transported. By the way, there is a difference between funny, mean and simply untalented. Gervais took the cheap shots. Billy Crystal is funny. He could have done the same routine and made it playful and hilarious. Gervais made me uncomfortable because you could tell that he had little else than shock and awe. We have no subtlety left.

      • KWISE

        Gervais didn’t make a Scientology joke. He made a joke about Tom Cruise’s sexuality, and he let us know he was referring to Tom Cruise by calling him a Scientologist (instead of outwardly saying, Mr. Tom Cruise). But I didn’t see that as a Scientology joke at all.

      • pdy

        Ricky Gervais already did some jokes on Hollywood Jews and Mel Gibson in last year’s show. He did not need to repeat himself. Besides, the Scientology joke was way way funnier. Too bad the camera was not panned on Nicole Kidman’s face to catch her reaction after hearing that joke. That would have been priceless.

      • Sam

        @pdy – I too wished the camera had cut to Nicole Kidman on that joke. Now that she has eased up a bit on teh botox, we might have actually seen a reaction.

    • Allison

      I LOVED the Bruce Willis joke, especially since it was preceded by the list of his worst movies.

      • Mark

        Agree. Listing his worst movies as an intro was classic.

      • Mario

        I wouldn’t mind getting my worst movies listed. Give me Bruce’s career and fame, you can ridicule me all damn day.

    • Amy Leigh

      I was wondering if John Travolta and Tom Cruise were watching too. LMAO I guess Ricky won’t be working on any movies with them in the near future.

      • Renee

        The Tom Cruise gay rumors are SO OLD! Who cares, really?

      • comment

        The dig wasn’t about Scientology. It was directed at Tom Cruise and was in reference to the rumors that he is gay.

    • ***

      Isn’t Ricky a rich celebrity who occasionally works in Hollywood?

      • A-K87

        Some of you North Americans really get Gervais’ humour and if you’ve watched Extras (a semi biographical comedy) you will know that he has always wanted to be part of the Hollywood crowd. He has taking a swipe at Hollywood’s elite because it was about time somebody said what we all think. He’s not a hypocrite, he’s just an excellent and courageous comedian who can bite the hand that feeds him.

  • cecil

    Go Ricky! Hilarious to see him tweak that convention of brand managers. Especially the president of that idiot group of junket hacks. They seemed to give him the hook for much of the second half of the show. Would’ve loved to be a fly on the wall backstage!

    • Rob

      Cecil’s comments are 100% on target!!

  • Mork

    Those jokes are frikkin’ hilarious. The celebs are all drunk anyway, no harm done.

  • Mac

    It made me laugh- someone has to hold a mirror up to these people, Gervais was dead on about the Scientologists too.

  • Jacob Kapp

    I love the guy. My favorite was at the end when he yelled, “I’d like to thank god I’m atheist.”

    • leslie

      I believe his comment was” I’d like to thank God for making me an atheist.”

  • Michelle

    I thought Ricky was hilarious. But where the frak did he go for nearly an HOUR? Seriously, if the HFPA didn’t know what they were getting into when they asked him to host, then they are totally clueless. You asked HIM, HFPA. Get over yourselves!

    • WTF.

      UMMMM. He’s hosted for like 4 years in a row now, sweetie.

      • WTF. PT 2

        Plus they know EXACTLY what they are doing when they hire him to host: he is going to make loud controversial statements aka “jokes” which will get people to talk long after the show is over. BOOM, profit and press.

      • Ann

        This is only his second time Gervais has hosted. Although judging by the overall celebrity reaction, probably the last time Gervais is hosting as well.

      • TM

        If you’re going to be that obnoxious, “WTF,” be accurate. Two years. Or was that why you used “like” as a qualifier?

      • Garry

        WTF:
        Ummmmmm yourself. This was only his second year as host.

      • Jennifer

        2

    • Allison

      I think this was only his second year hosting. The Globes didn’t usually have a host.

    • Mario

      Here’s the paranoid in me talking. I think this was all choreographed in advance. Some of the promos (here in Canada ) said to expect Ricky to tear down Hollywood’s foibles and he did exactly that.

      So now everyone is talking about it. They are killing themselves laughing and patting themselves in the back. You can’t buy publicity like this !

  • Bob

    horrible, horrible comedian. How he got this gig I will never know.

    • Jay

      Bob, he did his job. The Globes want press, and people to stay to see what he says next. Maybe it didn’t work on you, but numbers don’t lie. Welcome to the real world kido, where people are out to earn money. Ricky simply did his job, and had fun doing it. Sue him, child.

  • alanboy1961

    That was funny… I don’t care who you are!!!

  • b3n

    to ricky gervais … keep the uncomfortable laughs coming … if the Hollywood elite doesn’t get it… we all certainly do

  • Anika

    Ricky Gervais’ lines were the only thing that kept the show from being utterly boring. Who wants to see endless thank you speeches – gets horribly monotonous. Thank you RG for your witticisms! Hollywood establishment shouldn’t be so insecure, they need to get a sense of humor.

    • Dean

      The shows planners new what they were doing :). HE kept me watching past the 10 minute mark..

    • ALM

      Exactly. He was one of the main reasons I watched.

    • Jumping In

      Me

  • Bluejeans

    Mork is right! The celebs ARE all drunk anyway – no harm done!

  • jrm

    On that last one, it was his use of “probably” that signified his lawyers help with the wording. As written, that bit about the lawyers makes no sense.

    • Jason

      Actually, I assumed that when he said that his lawyers helped him write that joke, that he was referring to the fact that he didn’t use an actual name…

      • sillyrabbit

        he not only left out names, but he referred to tom and possibly john travolta as “opposit” of heterosexual actors playing gay lovers. his lawyers helped in that regard

      • Renee

        Yes, we know Tom and John were who he was referring to….

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