Chuck Lorre: 'If Charlie Sheen outlives me...'

At the very end of last night’s Two and a Half Men, co-creator Chuck Lorre volunteered a rare public comment on Charlie Sheen’s personal shenanigans. Utilizing his famed two-second vanity card that appears at the end of each of his sitcoms, Lorre offered the following insight:

Image Credit: Francis Specker/Landov

“I exercise regularly. I eat moderate amounts of healthy food. I make sure to get plenty of rest. I see my doctor once a year and my dentist twice a year. I floss every night. I’ve had chest x-rays, cardio stress tests, EKG’s and colonoscopies. I see a psychologist and have a variety of hobbies to reduce stress. I don’t drink. I don’t smoke. I don’t do drugs. I don’t have crazy, reckless sex with strangers.

If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I’m gonna be really pissed.”

Lorre also had a vanity card on Mike & Molly that was much less upbeat. It does not directly refer to Sheen, but, well, judge for yourself:

“He felt dead inside.

No matter how hard he partied, he could never escape that simple fact — inside, dead.

And that was his life.

Running from a feeling.

At least until he could run no more.

Exhausted, spent and beaten, when the end finally came, he welcomed it.

With life ebbing from his wasted body, he was suddenly swept up in a transcendent state of joy that was pure and complete.

Moments later he felt dead inside.”

Read more:
Charlie Sheen: ‘We’re on forced hiatus.’
Charlie Sheen offers to pay ‘Men’ crew
Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller Sheen granted divorce
Charlie Sheen: The amount you owe to the crew is…

Comments (104 total) Add your comment
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  • Pete

    Yeah, in that case he should ask for his money back.

    • Dayo

      It’s really not funny. I just hope that Charlie doesn’t take anyone out. How come the impaired drivers always survive? What about the $ he is costing the crew. How come the only one with no consequences is that slime ball. Lorre you are an enabler. You need a morality clause.

      • John Berggren

        The problem that Charlie is taking advantage of and nobody has an alternative solution for – is that there is no show without Charlie. Lorre, CBS, Cryer, Jones, nobody wants to lose the show over him.
        I think CBS/Lorre/ETC should try something extraordinary – rest the show for a year. Networks are obsessed with having 25 new episodes ever year, but maybe leaving it be for a year would allow Charlie to find reason to truly heal and would increase interest in the show when it returned…

      • TorontoTom

        How about ALL THE $$$$$ the crew has ALREADY MADE because of Sheen??? They’ve had multiple years on a successful sitcom – most of their colleagues would kill for that sweet gig. I don’t agree with Sheen’s behaviour but the media is just playing this angle to make it MORE of a story.

      • @ Toronto

        I was just simpifying things. You know they could make $ working on other shows. Anyway, he is a tool. Friends?

      • Everyday American

        Sheen isn’t costing the crew anything. Lorrie is. Sheen is ready to do his job, and a lot of sanctimonious people are standing in the way of him doing that. Let’s assign blame where to whom it belongs rather than project it on Sheen because he’s a more attractive scapegoat.

        In fact, Sheen offered to step in and make up for Lorrie’s (and others’) shortcomings by paying some of the staff. Now that’s eff-you money if I ever saw it!

      • mike

        A TV show isn’t just the leads, there are dozens and dozens of crew people and behind-the-scenes people who don’t make 8 million dollars an episode. They depend on this job for income just like the rest of us schmos. Yes, if it all goes south, they can find work on other shows eventually, but nobody needs an enforced break from a weekly paycheck because just one person is a weak, selfish, egotistical man-child.

      • Mike

        mike, with a lowercase m…Charlie makes 2 mill, not 8. Also, I agree with Everyday American and TorontoTom. They hired him, they knew what they were getting themselves into, same with the crew. He is who he is, and they just got to work with it. Everyone projecting hate on Charlie need to worry about their own short comings, before passing judgement on others.

    • Tarc

      It’s funny that Lorre highlights something that scientists have been saying for a long time (and that doctors ignore – often at the behest of insurance companies): genetics and overall biology have more to do with longevity than anything these folks hype. If you exercise like a fiend, starve youself to be thin, do absolutely everything right, you *might* add 3-6 years to your life. At the end. When you can’t taste the dessert, and you can’t walk from all the bone degeneration from all the exercise. Heck, look ta most cardiologists; they look like hobbling corpses. And while I can’t say Sheen’s lifestyle is anything but destructive, living in moderation is easily the best, happiest option.

      • Niix Starkyller

        Not that I fully disagree with your overall point but “starving yourself to be thin” is hardly a healthy choice which promotes longevity. Also, not dying of a drug overdose, is a big longevity plus.

      • Tarc

        Agreed. Starving youself is NOT healthy – something that’s very, very popular in Hollywood, and something that’s proported to be ‘healthy’. The whole point is that, while Sheen’s drug use will likely end his life, it’s less likely to kill an otherwise healthy man of his age with great health insurance – he can party hard and still live *most* of his life. Lorre is whining that he’s ‘sacrificing’ so much on the latar of health, when really it’s not going to buy himself much, and what he gains is going to be at the end, when it all sucks anyway. The best life is to take an approach that’s in between.

    • JaySin420

      This guys sounds pathetic, he should try doing the show without Sheen and see how that works out.

      • Carla

        Frankly, with another, better comedic actor, it might be a better show. I do not ‘hate’ Sheen…I am floored that so many people ignore his behavior and indulge him. Will people be glossing over the crime when he finally kills some woman?

    • CharlieTheTuna

      Oh Please! Charlie Sheen should be fired. Hard working people are losing their job all of the country and anyone who pulls off this arrogant carp would be fired. He is replaceable – and by far not the funniest one on that show by far. He should marry Lindsay Lohan and live in a fog forever. Grow up Charlie!

      • Dan

        Charlie The Tuna, you’re the arrogant carp. Or Tuna. Maybe Mahi?

      • NAN

        Dan, you had me just about peeing in my pants from laughter. I fish,I mean wish, you could keep me smiling all day. Thanks !!

      • sue

        well put!

      • Rod C. Venger

        You can tune a piano
        but you can’t tuna fish.

  • mscisluv


  • Kate

    Awesome, Chuck! Now i wish he’d just fire Charlie and be done with it.

    • Tarc


  • harry

    ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

  • Jay

    I used to pause the TV to read those things.

    He’s got a point on this one

  • MiaS

    Too Funny.

  • Grimm

    Ironic, and so true. I have come to the conclusion that in order to live a long life, one must be ornery and live an unhealthy lifestyle. Also, don’t have too many friends, or you’ll die relatively young. Be a jerk. It nearly guarantees you’ll live past 70, maybe even 80.

    • Everyday American

      Meh, it says quite a bit that he regularly sees a psychologist. That’s not normal. There’s no such thing as “preventative mental medicine.” This guy, like most Sheen bashers, is simply trying to rationalize his own boring life that, despite doing what everyone told him to do, has left him unfulfilled.

      I still have to love the part of him saying he sees a shrink as if that’s a regular course of health treatment. Not for most of us Lorrie! LOL!

  • Emm

    What all of you don’t realize. Is that the devil protects his own…

    Charlie and the likes of him will most likely out live us all!!!

    • Nick

      well that’s awfully nice of the devil. Sign me up!

      • TLZ

        Count me in!

      • Jeepers

        Me too!!!!

  • Flip

    Jeez, if I were Charlie I wouldn’t want to work for that jerk.

    • k

      Yeah..cause Charlie is such a great guy…

  • jerzeegirl

    That one was good but the one with the “hooker in the closet” was better!

    • joey

      There was another good one on BBT after Kaley broke her leg–something about rules the cast had to follow

    • orville

      Is there a website that features screen captures of all of these? They sound hilarious.

      • Niix Starkyller

        There’s a little-known website called YouTube which might have it…

      • Kiki

        They’re all on Chuck Lorre’s website.

  • Rebecca

    Chuck Lorre you are amazing!!!

  • Chris

    sorry Chuck….the Sheenster is a living legend….he’ll never die

    • AD

      What a stupid comment; everyone dies. I always avoid calling judging the intelligence of other people’s comments, but yours was too inane to pass up.

      • Niix Starkyller

        And thus Chris has his concept of reality shaken when he comes to the realization that people don’t live forever. Disaster averted.

      • Chris

        nice grammar there oh smart one….but are you intelligent enough to understand humor?

      • Truthhurts

        Let’s all watch as AD misses the joke by a mile.. lol

  • MrJeff

    Production company: Employ a functional addict and pay him millions of dollars.

    Network: Refuse to simply cancel the show, because you have a dearth of quality in your development pipeline.

    Ah yes, American television. Proud proud proud.

    • Mitch Logan

      How much does pride pay again?

      • Big Walt

        Ha ha, nice.

      • Tarc

        And oh-so-true.

  • Nick


  • RyanK


    • Raine

      So not true….many movie stars died from drug and alcohol overdose or suicide.
      Also my understading on what Lorre said is that Lorre is doing everything right to live a longer life, and if he could live life like Charlie and still live longer then he wants to be just like Charlie…bad to the bone.

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