Chuck Lorre vanity card: 'I am so outta here!'

Two and Half Men showrunner Chuck Lorre has posted a new vanity card on his Web site that runs after tonight’s episode of Mike & Molly. In the card he addresses Charlie Sheen’s situation for the first time since last week’s media ordnance deployment:

“I understand that I’m under a lot of pressure to respond to certain statements made about me recently. The following are my uncensored thoughts. I hope this will put an end to any further speculation.” Lorre continues:

I believe that consciousness creates the illusion of individuation, the false feeling of being separate. In other words, I am aware, ergo I am alone. I further believe that this existential misunderstanding is the prime motivating force for the neurotic compulsion to blot out consciousness. This explains the paradox of our culture, which celebrates the ego while simultaneously promoting its evisceration with drugs and alcohol. It also clarifies our deep-seated fear of monolithic, one-minded systems like communism, religious fundamentalism, zombies and invaders from Mars. Each one is a dark echo of an oceanic state of unifying transcendence from which consciousness must, by nature, flee. The Fall from Grace is, in fact, a Sprint from Grace. Or perhaps more accurately, “Screw Grace, I am so outta here!”

Questions?

… Okay, so this might read a bit strange to you. But really, if you worked with Charlie Sheen for eight seasons, you’d probably have to embrace some Zen philosophy too. It will be interesting to see if Sheen takes offense at this card the way he reacted to Lorre’s last vanity card on this subject (the infamous, “If Charlie Sheen outlives me, I’m going to be pissed” one). After Sheen reacted to that declaration, Lorre said he’d “take a break” from writing his custom vanity cards that air after each of his CBS sitcoms, but he probably figures (1) what can it hurt at this point and (2) hardly anybody will be able to figure out what this actually means.

Read more:
Les Moonves talks Charlie Sheen, hopes ‘Men’ returns
Charlie Sheen to fans: ‘Don’t be worried. Celebrate this movement.’
Charlie Sheen says he’d apologize to Moonves, puts down John Stamos as ‘Men’ replacement
Two and a Half Men’ crew will get paid
Sheen lawyer: Pay him for dumped episodes!
Charlie Sheen says he will sue CBS, apologizes (sort of) to Chuck Lorre
Charlie Sheen on ‘Today’: ‘It’s $3 mil an episode, take it or leave it’
Charlie Sheen passes drug test

Comments (219 total) Add your comment
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  • Max

    The tag-line for this article is tremendously misleading. Come on guys–it reads like Chuck Lorre is resigning from his show. Make an effort to be at least moderately journalistic.

    • Jenn

      Agreed. 13 year old bloggers use misleading headlines. EW shouldn’t stoop to these lows.

      • Doctor Moneybags

        It got you to click on the link, didn’t it?

        Cha-ching!! Ad revenue!

      • Rock Golf

        Is it really misleading? That’s exactly what Lorre said, and he very well may mean what you think.

      • Matt

        Yes it is misleading and the fact that it happens to be what he said is the very definition of it. When you take a snippet of something someone said and use it to imply something else, its misleading.

      • Frank A

        EW is using every lazy, worthless, pathetic trick to hers hits that they can right now. Have you even seen the endless gallery posts of “Top Hot Chicks in CW Shows,” or “15 Oscar Winners That Date CW Stars?”

      • ruf

        Sheen is a mix of Joaquin Phoenix and Hugh Hefner…disgusting, old and psychotic.
        Replace Sheen with Vince Vaughn and be done with it.

      • Jenn . . .

        It’s becoming increasingly evident that the EW blogs are written by 13 year olds.

    • man in black

      i totally agree. here i was thinking he’s leaving the show- and turns out its nothing. THANKS EW. bunch of dum–sses.

      • matt kafoury

        they got us to click! that’s EW’s highest aspiration these days. i’m continually impressed by their ability to make their stories sound *just* appealing enough for us to click the headline.

      • Jeremy Sheer

        @RUF my Mother and i bumped into Vince Vaughn at hawthorn Mall in vernon Hills (He lives in Hoffman estates IL. He is twice as bad as Sheen. and very rude. He couldnt even do crap 4 christmas with reese wheitherspoon.

    • wizard62

      This is about the 5th time EW has posted a misleading title above an article appearing on their web-site. Don’t be fooled, it isn’t by accident, it’s intentional. EW.com makes their advertising money from the number of visitors to the site AND the number of click thru’s to certain articles. The more click thru’s they have, the higher the ad rate they can charge. It’s the same with the constant pop-up ads that take over the site. Whatever article it is you are reading, you are sure to get an intrusion. They aren’t even sutle about it. Yes, EW knows exactly what they’re doing. It’s bait & switch at it’s finest, and it is shady. But hey, who cares about journalistic integrity when there’s money involved. It’s only entertainment news after all, right?

      • Cris

        If you’re reporting on a regular basis on the likes of Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan and Amy Winehouse, I’d say “journalistic integrity” never even enters the equation.

      • Dgently

        @Chris: I don’t think what you’re saying is accurate. Vanity Fair did at least one cover story on Lindsay Lohan. You can have journalistic integrity no matter what topic you report on.

      • BJG

        ….never seen the NY Post, have you?

    • MultiPass

      No wonder Charlie Sheen hates you, Chuck, you are a profoundly pretentious A-hole. I’m sure he’s a dik and a pain to deal with but for chrissakes. Really??

      • Diane

        I think Charlie’s has gone completely insane, but this vanity card actually makes me feel a little sorry for him. Can you imagine working with philosophy 101 dude every day for 8 years?

      • DCMediagirl

        If I was being paid almost $2 million a week to work with “philosophy 101 dude,” I’m pretty sure I’d find a way to manage

      • L

        @ Diane – LOL.
        @ DCMediagirl – Me too.

        @MultiPass – CS may hate him, but as I recall, he wasn’t all that popular in Hollywood when he was cast in this show. I think CS should be a bit more mindful of this, no matter how “special” he thinks he is.

      • @DC

        He found a way to manage – blow and hookers.

      • Trish

        Diane – You betcha, girl!
        DCMediagirl – Even at $2 million an episode, I might try anything to get rid of this tool. I’m not sure I could tolerate his pomposity and arrogance for more than one seaon, if that.

    • Tom

      I love when people who were never very smart to begin with discovery the most basic of philosophy and wish to share it with the world as if they have discovered the key to the meaning of life. Yeah, tell us something we don’t know.

      • busthedog

        I like blow and hookers too but they’re kinda cost prohibited. I only make $12 an hour not $2 million per week…dammit.

    • JayMee J

      He SAID he’s outta there…keep up third world~

    • Casey

      I’m also upset over the misleading title. Come on EW, you can do better than something Star Magazine or the Enquirer would do.

      • Travist Tritt’s Mullet

        oh no. you cant be upset!!!

    • William

      Perhaps going on Chuck Lorre’s own website next time… I did earlier. I only came here because I thought there would be some sort of analysis on it. It’s a very complex vanity card to say the least.

      • Mary San Diego

        I believe that it means that we are all part of Consciousness, but to feel that we are, we must become separate from it…….which means going in and out of Consciousness in life. This awareness is painful and who wants to deal with certain kinds of pain indefinitely?

    • Zakry

      Wah.

    • NANCY

      Only in America can such unimportant men take up so much air time that could be used to report on real issues … like Lindsey Lohan. Yikes my head hurts.

    • Anya

      Agreed. Totally out of context, but got all of us to read the article.

    • Steve

      Agreed. I stopped clicking after getting burned a couple of times before. Can’t believe they got me again. I cancelled my subscription after over 10 years because the magazine went downhill too. Sad. Hope someone from EW cares.

  • Keith

    Good grief. He’s as obnoxious as Sheen is. Put these two in the octagon and let them perform slam poetry at each other. Seriously, these two live in a world of self importance that is repulsive.

    • James

      Agreed. A couple of semesters of Freshman philosophy and he’s explaining the entire human psyche in 134 words. Gimme a break. These two deserve each other.

      • Nat

        I think it’s supposed to be satire…

      • Jenn

        Yeah. He’s making fun of Charlie Sheen and the whole situation.

      • Rock Golf

        Parody, not satire. But, yeah, if you’ve read even a couple of other of his vanity cards, then you realize this is Lorre making fun of Sheenology.

    • Terry

      Isn’t that the truth. They both drink from the same fountain it seems.

      • TONY

        two peas in the same egotistical pod, no wonder the show was a hit… these two were made for each other.

    • Diane

      Is it not the ultimate arrogance to believe we are more than is contained in creativity of our television shows?

      • Billy

        Charlie Sheen seems to be on the same type of destructive path as Lindsay Lohan is. Why do these aocrts who have so much going for themselves become so destructive. Some say it is due to boredom. I wish I could have that much money and be that bored so I could show these guys what they could do with there lives. Maybe they should start by getting rid of all the yes men around them. It would be a start. It is sad that the show was cancelled for the rest of the season. It is one of my favorite shows.

    • caleb

      what the hell is a vanity card???

      • gizmodiansky

        It is the half a second bleep that shows at the end of every show. Most people probably don’t pay very close attention to them. Some memorable ones are the “Shhh”, after The Simpsons, or “Grrr, Argg” after a Joss Wheason show or “Bad Robot” after a JJ Abrams show.
        Chuck Lorres vanity cards are a little more detailed and impossable to read if you don’t have DVR to pause when they pop up.

      • caleb

        Ohhh! Like “that’s some bad hat harry” after House! Do people like Chuck Lore’s vanity cards???

    • Yo Keith Man

      I totally agree

    • Kwise1

      I’m pretty sure Lorre was trying to be funny here. Although I agree with Caleb – what the heck is a vanity card??

      • Vanity Cards;…

        If you don’t know, look them up.

  • dee123

    Stop cherry picking EW it’s starting to get annoying.

  • avenger

    Well, that was very…philosophical? You do not sound intelligent, only like a douche. Only goes to show that this doofus thinks he is Plato. You write a tv show, and a really crappy one at that, get over yourself.

    And Charlie Sheen, you do really crappy acting for a living. Seriously who isn’t over all of his garbage, uhhh, no one cares if you’re a douche anymore, that was so last week.

    • Luis

      I think you are right about Lorre being a pretentious douche. I disagree about his show being “really crappy.” People actually laugh with this show. Yes, it’s not as subtle as Community and Parks and Rec, but it is funny. That is, after all, the point of sitcoms.

      • A

        Two and a Half Men is the worst “comedy” on TV. The people laughing must be nearly brain-dead if they find that dreck funny.

      • Diane

        Well A we can’t all be as smart as you. Personally I find THM and TBBT funny.

    • veritaser

      I agree with everything you just said brother. crappy attempt at being philosophical, crappy tv show targeted at a douchebag market, and crappy acting with predictable punch lines. C. Sheen has made me laugh more with his drug induced rants of late than anything this D-Bag was paid millions to write for him.

      my take? if this is what it takes to rid the airwaves of this crap show… so be it.

  • Mikey

    This guy created a sitcom that appeals to the lowest common denominator and he has the audacity to write this pseudo-intellectual response towards a man who is clearly spiraling out of control in both his career and his personal
    life and can barely comprehend the amount of damage he’s doing to his own reputation because he’s whacked out on drugs? Keep writing your dumb show. This is clearly above your pay-grade.

  • Dave

    Agreed.

    • Dave

      This was supposed to be a reply to Mikey.

  • McHooper

    The previous posts/critics are obviously who Mr. Lorre is talking about.

    I for one, am very impressed with his rant.
    Much to consider.

    • ger

      Agreed. I’ve realized it’s time to get rid of some of my cynicism and just take things as they are. Lotre’s words are worth at least thinking about.

    • Zakry

      It is supposed to be satire. Its amazing how little sense of humor people have!

      • Trish

        You’re right — it’s SUPPOSED to be satire. Problem is, it isn’t. It’s just a very poorly written rant. Yep. . . That’s what I said: poorly written. Read it again and you’ll see it’s poorly written by a wanna-be satirist.

  • Rygonaut

    Does everyone on that set eat crazy sandwiches for lunch? What a nodnarb.

  • mature

    Sadly, none of you get it. Lorre is a genius and he is just mocking Sheen by imitating his nonsensical rambling. Wasted on the chronically dumb.

    • A

      Genius? Have you watched his shows? Nothing genius about this guy.

      • Canada

        Sorry, but this happens to be very well written, you obviously don’t get it…

      • A

        Well-written it may be, but that does not make Lorre a genius.

    • Buster Cretin

      Well thank God we have you here. You’re as full of yourself as Sheen is.

    • Ter

      Exactly! He’s speaking directly to the crazy things Charlie has been saying, not to mention the name-calling he’s engaged in.

    • noa

      it’s not even that- it’s a joke… he said he’ll be clear, and then wrote the single most impersonal, unclear message who could think of. i love it!! (but i’m also a philosophy student…)

    • avenger

      First of all, who has been keeping up with what exactly Sheen has been saying, as he has said a ton of stuff lately, to know that Lorre is imitating him.

      Second, if it was a joke it was a pretty pathetic one. Ummm, correct me if I’m wrong but isn’t a joke supposed to be funny?

      Either way, its a joke in the guise of “hey guys look at me, I’m so intelligent that even my jokes sound like my philosophy 101 term paper. Hahaha, someone get the grey poupon so I can slather it on my grossly overinflated head.”

      His “joke” was exactly what pretentious egomaniacs who think they are overly intelligent do (much like what our friend “mature” up there is doing).

      Wait…if he considers this a joke then that kinda explains why his show sucks…

      • @avenger

        Great comments….I couldn’t agree more…and I loved the Grey Poupon reference!

      • Kwise1

        The joke IS funny, you just don’t get it. Just because you aren’t bright enough to get a joke doesn’t mean it’s not funny. There is a difference between a) a joke that’s just not funny, and b) a joke that’s funny, but only some people are smart enough to get it.

    • DogBoy

      true. If Lorre had said he had tiger blood or fire coming out of his behind, they would get it.

      • Zakry

        You are so right. People are complaining because they didn’t get it! “I hope this puts an end to any speculation” then proceeds to make a statement that leaves a lot of brains in a knot! That’s FUNNY! You’re supposed to come away thinking “what did that mean?” which is basically what listening to a Charlie Sheen interview does, just from a different angle.

        People are dumb, people are really dumb. For real.

    • Nanny Ogg

      I am not sure how you think self-indulgent, pompous, psyco-babble is supposed to be a mocking response to the Vatican warlock’s fists of fire. It would have worked had he mentioned how the “oceanic state of unifying transcendence” is akin to the wise Elf’s immortal struggle against the metempsycosis of the self… or something like that.

    • Truthhurts

      Yep genius and it only took em what 2-3 wks to craft it perfectly? The only thing genius about him is how he managed to fool america that he has some semblance of talent.

    • nothing is for sure

      Mr. Lorre’s comments may have been said to mock CS. But, in my opinion the comments are an earnest look at some basic truths that may help explain CS’s and many others’ inner conflicts. Einstein made similar observations, so I don’t think this was just a goof, but I certainly could be wrong. I do feel that Mr. Lorre comes across as a bit arrogant and condescending. Finally, if Mr. Lorre does believe that CS is in a serious mental / psychological conflict and condition, then his recent comments about being pissed if CS outlives him were small and mean spirited.

  • Rebel

    This guy is nuts ..

  • humor

    i hope the jews don’t blacklist Charlie

    • carola

      (humor) YOUR PAL CHARLIE SHEEN IS AN ANTI-SEMITE, PROBABLY YOU ARE TOO.

      NO MATTER WHAT WE WILL ALWAS BE HERE, WE WILL SURVIVE AND HAVE BEEN SURVIVING FOR YEARS AND YEARS……………BOO

      • Truthhurts

        And your proof is? and no just cause some chick said so isnt proof. As they say pics or it didnt happen! But hey nice to see you can be as judgemental as everyone else.

  • India Holden

    Bravo Chuck. What a beautifully spiritual comment. Not only above the fray but in another domain, entirely. I hope this means that you will be there for Sheen when he’s ready. That said, i believe Sheen has a right to be as he wishes. Americans are making too much of this. people have a right o be outspoken,even to be over the top. Let’s remember this is a free country.

    • K

      Yes, it’s a free country. Charlie Sheen completely has the right to go down in a highly entertaining yet super sad blaze of glory, and since he’s doing it so very intentionally publicly, we clearly have a right to watch and comment. We have the right to think as we please of his behavior, and the right to point out that there are real life consequences when you go on crazy verbal rampages and talk sh*t about your boss and company. Sheen has the right to shoot himself in the foot, and I have the right to say “That was stupid.”

      • scotty1701

        But he doesn’t have the right to take others down with him…he makes 1.8 million an episode and because of his selfih behavior…he’s putting others out of work…SO not right…

  • GCL

    Hahahaha! Jackasses, both of them! Hahaha!

    Everyone, including WB, CBS, and the rest of you self-serving pompous c^nts should just back off, and leave both of them alone – they’ll probably be back to being good friends once the show airs again – f^cking grade-school kids after a fight in the playground.

    • L

      You shouldn’t drink and post.

  • Vinne From Indy

    Somebody should tell Chuck that the real “paradox” of our culture is that men like Sheen and Lorre can reap oceans of money for peddling mindless crap.

    Let ‘em fight it out in “the Octagon”. I would pay to see that! Two egomaniacal jerkwads going at it.

    • UncleWalty

      seriously. That show sucks.

  • Zero Cool

    His show is terrible and I’m glad it was canceled. I’m sure the union will take care of the bloated staff salaries.

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