Chuck Lorre's new vanity card: 'Suffering will be funny after an undetermined length of time'

Two and a Half Men showrunner Chuck Lorre offered an introspective vanity card at the conclusion of tonight’s Big Bang Theory that gives a peek at what he’s been (quietly) going through since Charlie Sheen filed his “torpedo of truth” lawsuit against his former employer Warner Bros. and Lorre himself. Full text below:

Whenever I’ve gone through tough times, well-meaning people have told me that God/the universe does not give us more than we can handle. Well, I’ve been going through a tough time recently, and sure enough, that old saying has been tossed my way on several morose occasions. After some careful consideration, I’ve decided it’s bull$#*!. As an aphorism, it only makes sense in hindsight – after you’ve managed to crawl from the wreckage of whatever calamity that God/the universe decided to toss your way. No one ever uses it to comfort someone who’s been hit by a bus or turned into a puddle of goo by flesh-eating bacteria (although in the right circumstance, that could be a hoot). Another thing I hear a lot is, “this too shall pass.” Again, I know these are words meant to reassure, but somehow they always leave me feeling that heartbreak, rage and grief are going to come shooting out of me like kidney stones through an inflamed urethra. For someone in crisis, I think a more accurate and helpful assessment of reality would be, “Love, sex, food, friendship, art, play, beauty and the simple pleasure of a cup of tea are all well and good, but never forget that God/the universe is determined to kill you by whatever means necessary.” Consider trying that next time you’re called on to do some consoling. If you’re feeling impish, you might also try, “According to the rules of comedy, your suffering will be funny after an undetermined length of time. Maybe not while you’re having your gangrenous leg sawed off, watching your home burn down or learning how to be intimate with your cellmate, but, in the big scheme of things, soon.”


Comments (121 total) Add your comment
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  • Michael Sacal

    Meh…

    • Tom

      I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.

      • Jenn

        EW needs to EFFF the helll off with the pathetic “vantiy plate” reports.
        Nobody gives a rat’s %^&#. And anyone that does should be beaten.

      • fifty8th

        Jenn shut the EFFF up, why read it if you don’t care? You obviously care enough to comment. Please don’t speak for everybody because I DO give a rat’s %^&# so please come over here and try to give me a beating.

      • Miles Vorkosigan

        When Joe Straczynski was tod byTNT to make changes to “Crusade”, turning the Babylon 5 spinoff into wrestling Baywatch in space, he told them “I’d rather have thirteen episodes of a show I’m proud of than five seasons of a show that makes me sick.”

    • LOL

      Chuck, nobody gives a f***.

      • Tarc

        I do, so bite me lol.

      • Sue1

        So do I…no biting please.

      • Sally

        nobody gives a f***? I always love that comment – no one cares, no one wants to know, blah blah blah. In correct – you as a one don’t care. Others might very well care.

        Don’t presume to talk for everyone.

      • Lee Harvey

        Nobody cares. Chuck is as boring as Charlie.

      • Jennifer

        Sally – I always love it, too. If you take the time to fill out all the fields necessary to leave a comment, or to read the story for that matter, you obviously care on some level. I mean, the internet is pretty big. Surely Lee Harvey et al. haven’t exhausted ALL other sources of time-wasteage it offers, and thus read this particular article for SOME reason.

      • Dasha

        You clearly do, because you read the article.

    • Bebe

      Another whiny millionaire. THIS is too much for him to handle? Give me an effing break. Imagine if he had to try on some real-life tragedy for size sometime. Hire a shrink and shut up, Chuck.

      • Matt

        What do you mean? Even if money does have the ability to alleviate a greater portion of a person’s suffering, can it alleviate 100 percent of suffering? Or should it only alleviate the amount you “feel” it should be, without truly knowing the entire situation? People also have different tolerances and peeves; perhaps you would be sensitive to other things that Chuck Loore wouldn’t. Ya know?

      • I_Captain Blanco

        Why don’t YOU shut up? How do you know Chuck Lorre HASN’T had “real-life tragedy” to deal with? As for your idiotic “another whiny millionaire” comment, which implies that money should equal happiness, I would point out that Lorre’s erstwhile employee Charlie Sheen is (or rather was) the highest-paid actor on television and a *very* rich man indeed, and he doesn’t seem very happy to me….

      • NeutralParty

        What Bebe is saying is, “Hey, worry about putting food on your table because of the economy and see some troubling times” – as opposed to this guy crying over freakin’ Charlie Sheen. He’s the one who fired Charlie. He created his own mess. Who didn’t know Charlie was a whack job? But he showed up to work, and that’s all that was any of this guys business.

        He isn’t “suffering” anything but Hollywood BS – again, fight to keep food on your family’s table, or be nursing a loved one through their last days. THEN talk about all this suffering…

  • Tim Lade

    Nothing more true has ever been said.

    • James

      Your comment is false simply because all statements ever made cannot be known.

      There, that’s at least one statement that is “more true” than Chuck Lorre’s.

      • Matt

        Be that as it may, you’ve got some learning about language to do. Not everything that is said is meant to be taken literally, and that’s a good thing.

        Pointing out what almost everybody already knows is not only irrelevant but makes you look a bit like a nitpicking dork. IMHO, of course.

      • Mr. M

        Dude, siriously?

      • Dav

        and James your comment is stupid and douche-y

      • mcfly

        It’s funny when nerds fight.

  • Bill

    He writes like a tortured English Major snob. He does realize that he is paid to write dreck sitcoms?

    • Lee Harvey

      Chuck and Charlie were made for each other. Both bore the sh** out of me.

      • LOL

        Chuck is losing his mind. And boring us to death in the process.

    • Terry

      First, you can be both – he’s not allowed to have feelings ? or an opinion? he has a venue to express them just like you do (here ) so why shouldn’t he?

      • Jennifer

        I agree – he can be an “English Major [sic] snob” (not that there is ANYthing wrong with that.) and write “dreck.” So English majors can’t get their low-brow humor on when they want to do so? Or when they want to make millions?

    • NeutralParty

      I think that’s what I find funny – or not funny, in this case, haha. Big Bang Theory I do like, mostly because of the cast and not the writing. 2 1/2 Men, though is the dumbest thing I ever have seen. It’s like Beavis and Butthead have a son. If it takes a genius to write an episode about Charlie Sheen being constipated, then this guy certainly is the smartest guy in the universe…

  • Heather

    He makes me laugh . . . More than Charlie Sheen has done without Chuck!!

  • halfpint

    So, he’s a really rich showrunner right? What’s the tragedy, exactly?

    • Brett

      Never in the history of Hollywood has one producer produced more drama out of comedy than Chuck Lorre. The whole world can’t be wrong and Chuck Lorre is right. Maybe if he wasn’t such an @$$hole, he wouldn’t have all these problems. Then whines about them on vanity cards like Lorre. Is there anyone more vain?

      • AB

        How about Charlie Sheen? At least Lorre isn’t trying tour a one-man show and charge people to listen to him whine about his ills. Lorre made me laugh more in the last 2 minutes than Sheen has in the past 2 months.

      • Andrew

        Charlie Sheen isn’t throwing a pity party and whining for sympathy. He’s a mess who looks like he’s having himself a pretty good time.

      • Debby Ari

        Well said Andrew !
        Charlie doesn’t freaking care what people (and even more judgemental haters) can think about him whereas Chuck Lorre mister ego cares, it is a freaking big difference..and if it makes Lorre bitter too bad for him. La vie continue.

      • NeutralParty

        @AB – Yeah, but people are going to see Charlie. They are there right now. If you ask the average person if they prefer one or the other, chances are most will say, “Who?” when Chuck’s name comes up.

  • Sue1

    He said tough times, not tragedy, and his reactions to what has been going on are as usual, very funny. He’s been doing these cards since Dharma and Greg, and they have always been indicative of his own comically skewed perceptions. Some get them, some don’t.

    • jerseygirl

      Ditto Sue… love the cards.

  • crtjester

    So because he has reached a certain level of success he should be expected to forfeit all other emotions that connect him to humanity? If so, how much money do you have to earn before you get to stop caring or just don’t have to worry about feeling something as banal as pain, embarrassment, loss or betrayal?

    • Bebe

      I think once you earn that first million dollars, the general public doesn’t want to hear about your alleged pain and suffering. Sorry, but it’s true. Too many of us have real problems. Rich people have problems, too, sure. But they’re rich people problems. They’re not the same. And money certainly does alleviate some of that “pain and suffering.” We don’t want to hear about it.

      • Kris

        If you’re too jealous and poor to understand that EVERYONE has pain in their life no matter how much money they make, that’s your own petty, immature problem. Some people are intelligent enough to understand that money doesn’t fix everything and it certainly doesn’t comfort you when everyone is telling you what a hack you are.

      • Bebe

        Sorry. Still don’t want to hear it.

      • AB

        Bebe, you’re pathetic.

      • Bebe

        I don’t have a dog in this fight. You seem to though, AB. Hmmmmmm….

      • Aunt Sassy

        Bebe – I think there are certain people out there (like you) who don’t have the capacity to care about those “others” who they know nothing about. You saying that someone who has over $1 million in the bank doesn’t have the right to complain or speak out when they are in pain tells me that you are not a very compassionate person. Sorry, but in REAL life, it doesn’t matter how much money you have in the bank, sometimes things go wrong and get complicated and uncomfortable and no amount of money in the world can fix the problem. Just look at Carlos Estevez – even making the amount of money he was making he wasn’t happy and decided to use a boat-load of drugs to try and bring himself some happiness. At least Chuck Lorre seems to be trying to work out his issues without the aid of illegal substances. And as for you Bebe – I truly hope that someday you win the lotto or sleep with a millionaire and inherit their money so that you forever lose your right to complain or feel pain.

      • Bebe

        Aunt Sassy, I usually agree 100 percent with what you have to say. But since I am currently worried sick over a sibling with BRAIN CANCER — now I call that a REAL problem — I will have to leave it to you to wring your hands and gnash your teeth over a multi-millionaire who got his feelings hurt.

      • Marianna

        Bebe – I’m so sorry about your sibling. You don’t know me, I don’t know you, but know that on this day I’m thinking kind thoughts for you and hoping all goes well. Tomorrow I will light a candle at Mass for you, your family and your sibling – for hope, healing and peace. Doesn’t matter whether or not you believe, it’s a gesture, so that you’ll know that at least for today, tomorrow, and off and on for many tomorrows after that you don’t stand alone.

      • jane

        you never hear rich people worrying about the woes of poor people! dont get why everyone wants to give this guy sympathy.

      • me, Baby, ME

        @Bebe
        Is your sister rich? Because I just wanted to know if myself, as a poor person should care about her cancer or just say “Shut up. I don’t want to hear it Richie.” You actually offer a very interesting solution to my life’s woes, whenever somebody’s venting to me from now on about something unfortunate in their life, I’ll ask to see their bank statement so I know if I should start feeling sympathetic or like a bitter and unhappy person (also, poor). Economically-based-caring: I like that. I wonder if there’s an algorithm for that. Dammit where’s Eduardo Saverin when you need him!
        7 billion people in this world are currently subject to the trials, turmoil, and folly that goes along with the state of the human condition, and while I realize that we can’t feel bad for everybody’s problems, I don’t know if writing off somebody’s problems for the fact that they’ve earned (monetarily, not artistically) a million-dollars in their lifetime is very polite, even if you ARE related to a person with BRAIN CANCER. (I tried to write the word in correct format, but BRAIN CANCER always comes out in all caps.) Each person’s problems are their own, in a physical as well as mental aspect, and thus all outsiders are only privy to the subjectively molded capability of one’s mind to understand and cope with a particular issue. In short, it’s all relative. For example, your sister is ill, and instead of spending this difficult time to be with her, learn from her pain, and perhaps provide some comfort and reassurance for a weakened individual, you chose to spend quite a bit of time writing and defending your opinions about Chuck Lorre and rich people, something I don’t understand at all, as I have not gone through the same experiences as you. You chose to complain and lash out, rather than appreciate your time on earth with your loved ones. Again, like Lorre’s problems, or anybody’s, I haven’t lived your life through the prism of your perspective, and so it would be rude of me to say “You’re a cold-hearted and indigent person, I don’t like your opinions and I don’t care about your problems.” So i won’t, but I’ll say this, (in my skewed opinion, of course): Your sibling’s condition is unfortunate, but so is yours.

      • Jennifer

        Bebe- I am not sure if I agree – I have to think about it. But your comment is pretty darned funny and well put. I will have to think about what I consider to be the “earnings threshold” for whiners. Maybe 1 mil is a good limit.

  • Winston Smith

    “So because he has reached a certain level of success he should be expected to forfeit all other emotions that connect him to humanity?”

    Brilliantly said. I think a lot of people who are bitter about their own lives, usually because they work jobs they hate and may not even get paid that well to do them, come here to vent because it makes them feel big. But the big thing is… we’re all humans. Be happy for what you have, but that doesn’t mean nothing should affect you.

    And also, I don’t really like Chuck Lorre’s shows, but I do like his outlook. A lot of sarcasm there, the basic point is, “when s–t happens, sometimes it’s best to say, yeah, this sucks.” Nothing wrong with that. You don’t let it cripple you, but I love when people always say, “just gonna look forward.” Maybe if you’ve been stuck on some small detail for a year, sure. But usually you hear this out of someone’s mouth literally within 24 hours of them making a huge mistake, and they don’t want to own up to it and want to keep believing any and all bad that happens is because of other people and NEVER because of their own actions.

    Ahem… Charlie “handed everything on a silver platter” Sheen.

    • Mark

      well said

    • Brett

      And Lorre was the butler who asked for the job to hold that silver platter to Charlie Sheen. And you want to punish Charlie Sheen for this?

  • Charlie Sheen

    That Vanity card is the definition of……LOSING!

    • Kay

      And people who keep using that tired old “Winning” and “Losing” stuff are the definition of losers.

      • AB

        Exactly. They can’t come up with an original thought of their own, they have to copy a half-baked idiot like Sheen.

      • Jedi T

        Kay and AB are both idiots! Charlie Sheen rules and you’re really just jealous!

  • Andy Papier

    He seems to ramble as much as Charlie! Get them in a room together again soon…now this is true ridiculous comedy…I love it! It would be like The Two Coreys but with way more money!

  • Squishmar

    I’m just sick of spelling/grammar errors from professional writers. James Hibberd says: “Chuck Lorre offered an introspective vanity card at the conclusion of tonight’s Big Bang Theory that gives a peak at what….”

    I think he means “gives a *peek* at what..,”

  • Sean

    This afternoon, I pooped my pants. At work. Before a big meeting. Now that was a tragedy. I really liked those pants.

  • Lisa

    Please Chuck get over yourself it is not the end of the world man. You are one of the richest man on american tv. You still have two shows who work pretty well.. you are not vilified by the medias, you are not away from your children..well i don’t know where is your freaking problem..don’t care about your boring whining, at least Charlie is creative when he rants..and you are supposed to be the writer..

  • Jack Nolte

    Go, Chuck! Bring him down:) You killed Jenna’s ego, it’s time to kill Charlie’s now:) Show him that he is the lowest on the food chain:)

  • JS315

    In a time when over 11,000 people are dead and another half a million are homeless, this guy really has the nerve to call his situation “suffering” and a “crisis”? Wow… I don’t know what’s worse; Charlie Sheen’s idiocy or Chuck Lorre’s self pity. Disgusting.

    • Jeeze

      What an idiotic statement. He is taking his situation and making it part of the grand scheme, commenting on all of life’s ups and downs. Self-pity? He’s making light of it.

    • Bobby’s Robot

      It’s so ridiculous to compare anyone’s personal tribulations, minor or major, to a global catastrophe. Would you say to a mother who just lost a child. “Well, that’s only one kid, there are thousands dead in Japan. Get over it!”

      • AB

        well said

      • Dave

        It may not be appropriate to urge a grieving mother to consider the death of her own child from a global perspective, but it is certainly appropriate to encourage to encourage independent observers to do so. Every person who has ever died had a mother. If you don’t have a pre-existing personal relationship with the family, why arbitrarily choose one stranger to receive the lion’s share of your sympathy at the expense of thousands or millions of others?

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