Charlie Sheen's live tour: Our top 5 predictions

My-Violent-Torpedo-of-Truth

Charlie Sheen kicks off his “Violent Torpedo of Truth” tour Saturday night in Detroit, and nobody is sure what to expect. How will the actor transform his new-found gonzo blend of celebrity bridge-burning mania to the stage? Is VTOT a drama? Spoken word? Avant-garde? A musical? A comedy? Or will Sheen combine all of the above into an unholy theatrical stew? Here’s our ideas …

– Drama: An Oedipal Complex theme is on full display during a stunning adaptation of Apocalypse Now that concludes with Sheen’s machete take-down of a Chuck Lorre look-alike.

– Musical: A chorus line of dancing warlocks casts a spell on a delighted audience.

– Comedy: It’s Two and a Half Men — only better! Sheen’s version has jingle writer Charlie ditching his troll roommate, teaching the kid how to score with goddesses and cure addiction with his mind. The show closes with an illegible vanity card written in tiger blood.

– Spoken word: The Torpedo Monologues. A shockingly nude Sheen gives a live reading of his lawsuit against Warner Bros. Bows, exits.

– Avant-garde: In a postmodernist meta parable of consumerism, Sheen makes the audience increasingly uncomfortable as he spends 90 minutes on the phone blowing the  proceeds from the Torpedo of Truth tour on a lavish party. “Here goes your hard-earned money,” he declares. “Winning!”

UPDATE: Here’s what actually happened on Saturday night. Wow. Wow. Wow.

UPDATE II: 5 ways to fix Charlie Sheen’s live show

Comments (61 total) Add your comment
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  • Jawsphobia

    As a Mel Gibson fan, I’m thankful to Charlie Sheen. I wish him well in his theatrical venture, but it is difficult to ignore the expectations of seasoned stand-up comics that Sheen may find himself over his head having to confront the disciplin and nerve of standing before a live paying audience on his own. Whatever demands were made of him in the sit-com world, this might be more demanding and Charlie must be better at it than Joquin Phoenix was at rap.

    • Lila

      I don’t see Sheen himself being all that entertaining.. but if he gets good side kicks he can maybe fool the crowd into thinking he knows what he’s doing.

      • Jenn

        Awful article.
        Beyond pathetic. If you’re going to keep shilling for Charlie Sheen, at least be somewhat funny.
        Morons.

    • Garry

      I can’t believe EW actually sent someone to Detroit to cover this bum.

      • Familia

        he’s all about “Winning.”No remorse for all his flgarant sinning.He once showed such promise;With DNA from Adonis.Now his many detractors are grinning.

    • LOL

      This ship has sailed. We’ve already seen the act for free.

  • Pete

    My prediction: Sheen will bomb and everyone will finally get tired of watching this train wreck!

    • sassysue

      I agree Charlie Sheen will bomb cause he can’t top “Train Wreck 1″. “Train Wreck 2″ will be boring and predictable! He’s already done his best work.

      • Pillow Pants

        True, true.

      • Andrei

        that’s actually quite slow for a rceitaon to be honest but yes it could well be. it does sound like it. you don’t say if you’ve come up in hives or a rash or anything so it’s not an amazingly strong rceitaon. my advice would be to stop taking it straight away and go back to the docs.

  • Holly

    Can’t believe people actually paid to see this egotistical train wreck!

    • Lila

      People are stupid, love a good train wreck and are soo easily fooled.

      • kerry

        No, you’re the fool. You watch actors everyday on TV and in movies who are on drugs. You just don’t know it.

  • Rip Booker

    I think the guy is making a fool of himself, but who knows?! He’s managed to keep his name in the press with alot of surprising moves, but going “on the road” is a different world where you’re only as good as your last “live” performance and demons tend to work on the heartiest of souls. I think I’ll stick with losing now that I’m sober and the cops don’t visit me anymore.

    • carolae

      He’s probably paying is manager big time bucks to make sure that his name appears everywhere. As some have stated, this train wreck will come to an end soon. This time next year, no one will remember him or want to.

  • Simon Jester

    Poor Charlie Sheen, so blissfully unaware that his 15 minutes are up.

    • J. B

      haha 15 minutes of fame this guy was a massive movie actor back in the day and has appeared on the most profitable show in decades and you say 15 minutes hes been around and will continue to rock for a couple more years!! Simon jester your an idiot

      • anonymous

        He made his mark over 20 years ago in the 80’s with Wallstreet, Platoon, and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, to name a few. A lot of his more recent films suck big time.

      • tcc

        @ anonymous

        Ferris Bueller’s Day Off!? You had better check IMDB. He has never been affiliated with anything that funny. Even his funny stuff wasn’t that funny.
        Major League – funny but not because of him.
        Hot Shots – not funny
        Two + 1/2 Men – not funny unless you like 22 minutes of fart and booby jokes.

      • anonymous

        Charlie plays the drug addict at the police station in the 1986 movie, which recieved great reviews by the way. Maybe you should check your facts.

      • Simon Jester

        Sheen did appear in FERRIS BUELLER… in a minor cameo. Blink and you’ll miss him.

      • G

        Yes, his small role is one of my favorite parts of Ferris Bueller, mostly because, at the time, he was playing against type. Now I know he probably wasn’t even acting.

  • SxyCindy

    Not only am I going to see Charlie Sheen, I paid top dollar for the”meet and greet” tiks. WINNING! Gonna party w/Charlie!

    • anonymous

      Just curious. How much did you get suckered into paying ?

      • Tee

        I read that it was $750 or something stupid.

      • Pillow Pants

        so anything short of getting paid rather than paying out of pocket?

        Although I don’t know how much you’d need to pay me before it stopped feeling like a waste of time.

    • Riley Smiley

      Way to go! Most of the go to work and slave for the many type love their serfdom. They hate us who either are looking for a way or have found it. Have fun, and get it on.

    • Melvin

      Dummy!

    • ckurtz

      The only thing infinite in the Universe is human stupidity.

    • sassysue

      Did you get your meet & greet?

  • LJ

    My prediction is that most mainstream critics will hate the show, but those attending will love it.

    The majority of the public will have to wait ’till the fall when the DVD of the show (with the “Meet and Greets”) is released to make up their minds.

    In the meantime Charlie will continue to rake in millions over millions.

    • kerry

      The media will bash it because Charlie said “Haim.” They’re still pissed about that, and they will be forever.

      • HDavis

        …and to think, “Jewish conspiracy” didn’t come up ’til at least the twentieth comment.
        I knew something was missing.

  • carolae

    Does anyone really care anymore? He is putting the nails in his own coffin by his actions and especially, promoting this latest tour. The man is nuts!

  • Riley Smiley

    My man is going to slay them, take his cash and move on. WINNING! Like he said “I off on my private jets to the Bahamas with my goddesses. I am not like you Mr. and Ms. average American. WINNING. Most of you guys would love to be free enough to nail a goddess and not have to make believe you love her. Admit it. You just don’t have what the Warlock has and that is juice and money.

    • anonymous

      Ya. Right. Charlie the numskull is gonna take the money and run.

    • Venus

      I’ve been nailing a goddess since I discovered the touch of my own hand.

  • Rod Waters

    What a wing nut…

  • Augi the dog

    The BronxZooCobra could bring some Tiger Blood in case Charlie runs out. Seems that this may be sooner than later.

    • kh

      The Bronx Zoo Cobra is more interesting and has more charisma. I’d rather pay to see him.

  • Jodie

    I don’t get it if you don’t like the guy and want him to fail (i don’t get it even more) why care people ? Why read articles about him or his work ?
    There are lot’s of things to do, things you will like you will enjoy at least you enjoy bashing stars you don’t know on internet boards..it is maybe a hobby for you..aww sad..
    p.s: good luck Charlie i hope you will surprise everybody who come to your tour (i can’t but i could i will go) and eat man you are too skinny right now and a tour is hard when you are fragile phisically.

    • Pillow Pants

      We want the people who write the articles to succeed. Duh.

  • HIMODEL

    Bravoooo Charlie! Send the warlocks after your detractors like Simon jester and charolae… use their blood to make your own blood tiger tonight in Motown…
    I totally believe in you and your massive appeal… Do not forget that you have been a massive drama actor, a massive-of-all-times television super actor. And now you’re now and again you are going to show them that you can stand up and deliver… and while the trolls wimps whine, you again add to your evolution as a super performer and an actor of reverence. It’s called, WINNING! Bravo Warlock! Tonight, show them that failure’s not an option! And even if it is, they’re the ones whining;you’re the one WINNING!

  • MyPrediction

    he’ll OD in one of the hotels on this tour.

  • Michael

    I feel so bad for his poor children…talk about being embarrassed by your parents…

    • Sarah

      Yeah, the kids act more mature than him. Someday they will have to see their dad on TV shouting “durrrr winning!”

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