David Letterman mocks jihadist threat in monologue, Top 10 list


Image Credit: CBS

David Letterman can’t be too worried about the jihadist threats made against him last week — because he seems to be having a pretty good time laughing about them. And if anything, he likely pushed a few more buttons Monday night.

Most of Letterman’s Monday night monologue (a clip embedded below) and his Top 10 list were dedicated to addressing the threats against him that posted last week on a website frequently utilized by Al-Qaeda to communicate messages. “You people, to me, are more than an audience; you’re more like a human shield,” Letterman began. “I’m so sorry I’m a little late coming out. Backstage, I was talking to a guy from CBS, we were going through the CBS life insurance policy to see if I was covered for jihad.”

As for the threats themselves, Letterman joked that this wasn’t his first time, saying: “I wish I had a nickel for every time a guy has threatened to cut my tongue out. I think the first time was at the Academy Awards — during the Academy Awards.”

“Everybody’s so sensitive,” Letterman added, before digging his teeth back into the material that seemingly got him into hot water in the first place. “But I’ll tell you, Bin Laden, when they killed him, he’d been locked in his house with six wives for three years. So when the SEALS walked in he said, ‘Just shoot me.'”

“I was looking at the documents earlier today — I don’t know if you’re aware of this — when he was assassinated, Bin Laden, was late arriving in hell. Did you know that? He had to go through Newark. [And] there was a clerical error when he arrived in the afterlife. He was met by 72 vegans.”

Below is the top ten list Letterman presented, titled “Top 10 thoughts went through my mind after hearing about the threat”:

10. “Someone wants to silence me? Get in line.”
9. “Nothing says summer fun like a death threat”
8. “Why is the staff in such a good mood?”
7. “Save me, Oprah.”
6. “Should I wear my Kevlar hairpiece?”
5. “And here I thought nobody watched the show?”
4. “How can someone be so angry at a time when Kim Kardashian is so happy?”
3. “Some people get Emmy nominations; some people get death threats.”
2. “This seems like Leno’s handiwork.”
1. “Oh my God! They cancelled the George Lopez Show!”

Online jihadist calls for David Letterman’s assassination

Comments (83 total) Add your comment
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  • Ray Tarantino

    You forgot to mention the best part! He said “Everybody knows it’s Leno.”

  • James

    Well good for him. Glad CBS didn’t back down like Comedy Central.

    • Craig Livingstone

      La La La La (now) you goat-loving freaks!

    • Jeff

      Aren’t they both owned by Viacom? It’s hard to keep up these days

    • Larry in NoHo

      Ironically CBS own Comedy Central.

      • Andrew

        CBS split off from Viacom (and all of its cable properties) like five years ago.

  • Em

    This makes me respect David Letterman so much. Like, the sex scandal a few years ago brought him down to a 3, but this brought him back to 10 quality for his commitment to comedy and his coolness under very dangerous pressure. I really appreciate him not only as a comedian, but as an empowered American.

    • greg

      hmm, i wouldn’t call it a sex scandal. it was a blackmail attempt over a previous affair he’d had. letterman was being criminally elbowed by this guy. and he handled it like a man and took the consequences with his public.

    • rats

      Did you really start a sentence with “Like, …?”

      • goo

        I know, you know?

      • Bugaboo

        “So I sez to him I sez….”

      • MOn

        Em, the 90s called, and they/it want their like back.

  • charlie

    that’s awesome.. david rocks

  • tom

    this has to be the best top 10 i’ve seen david do.. that’s incredibly funny material there

  • maggie

    Go Dave!

  • ced

    I like the part where he disrespects the heathen man made god!! Why should anyone walk in fear of a pagan belief system?

    • Tom

      Because we are all afraid of being like you.

  • Osama

    Very funny! You killed them last night. However, the three wife thing bombed. Break a leg, please.

    • Osama

      ….on a side note, do you smell something burning???

  • samueladawg

    He is brave & smart! I smell high ratings & emmy! About time & well deserved. A hero for not backing down. Take that leno-a letterman want a be.

  • followtheleader

    yea…why! wait, what?

  • djleone

    Dave is the ultimate survivor. The NBC/CBS debacle, quad. heart bypass, “sex scandal”, kidnap threat to his son…long ago the woman stalker in his house, and on top of that a full grown bear in his kitchen in Montana. Nothing can stop “Our Dave”, a TV icon. First comic to broadcast live after 9/11. Washington could use your stamina and brains. Thanks Dave for the honesty and courage to tell the public the truth…for a change, been a fan from first show at nbc. Always the best!

  • Lazlo57

    Well, Dave is the most powerful in New York.
    He’s got a guy in Newark who’ll adjust some taliban kneecaps for him.

  • Barry

    Is there any way we can help them rid the world of this sexist, unfunny POS?

    • Martillo

      You could change the channel, and not click on news stories about him, that way you would rid him from your world.
      I know, I know, that would be crazy.

      • Barry

        No need for me to change the channel because I don’t watch his crappy show. And please don’t censor my reading habits; lets leave that to the clown currently living in the WH until Jan. 2013.

      • Esox

        Why does it always come back to politics? why? Why? WHY? WHYYYYYY??????

        It’s not that G’damn important which party’s in charge!!!!!!!!

      • Bugaboo

        LOL Martillo!! Very funny and clever!
        Too bad it was lost on poor, pathetic Barry.

      • Martillo

        “it was lost on poor, pathetic Barry.”

        As I knew it would be when I wrote it. It reminded me of when the whole Bennifer thing was big back in 2003 or so. I didn’t care about them, so I didn’t pay it any attention. One of my co-workers was reading a magazine article about the couple, and said she was sick of reading about Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. I said, “then stop reading about it.” I swear, the woman looked at me like I was out of my mind, lol.

    • Jeff

      Calm down tea-partier. Just because he makes fun of the idiotic statements that come out of Plain and Bachmann’s mouths, does not make him a sexist. It makes him a comedian. You can critize women and make jokes about them, without actually being a sexist.

      • Andy

        Jeff, I think Barry was referring to Letterman’s sex scandal, including an affair with a staffer. That, to some, might be seen as the kind of thing a sexist would do. HOWEVER, don’t think I’m defending Barry. Condoning violence and death threats because you dislike someone’s conduct or character… that’s pretty disgusting.

      • Barry

        No Andy, it’s Letterman who is DEFINATELY disgusting!

      • Alb

        You know what’s really disgusting? The fact that no one can spell DEFINITELY correctly. Now, here will come all the original and witty remarks about how this isn’t English class…

        Go Dave!

    • Casey

      Definately or Definitely? I can never tell what you teabaggers are actually complaining about because your grammar is always such Horsesh*t.

      • Barry

        Looks like someone needs to have his mouth washed out with soap or some other creamy white liquid.

      • LM

        Barry, you may be an ignoramus on most things, but I give credit where it’s due. That was actually a pretty funny come back.

    • Barry

      I just had sex with my hand.

      • Felix

        aaaaand your anti-sexist righteous crusaded died…

    • Alan L. Leon

      don’t be a hater

  • MultiPass

    Excellent work. Dave, we love ya.

  • YoMama

    I agree with most of the praise for Dave, its good to see people who don’t bow to religious bullies, but he wasn’t the first comic to broadcast live after 9/11. Howard Stern stayed on the air while NY was under fire and the days following as well.

    • Jeff

      Yes and as a fan, I love to hear Howard say that over and over. What he forgets is that Letterman was on a scheduled vacation during the 9/11 attacks. CBS had gone to almost 24 hour news during that week and then Dave returned the following week. Howard was on during the attacks but he is always on in the morning. Not knocking him, I listened that day too. Just kind of obvious that he’d be on the air when it was happening.

    • TQB

      I think there is plenty of room to appreciate the work of both Stern and Letterman as professionals who are a cut above in terms of their commitment to their work, regardless of the circumstances. Comedy isn’t silly, it’s what makes life bearable.

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