Charlie Sheen's brutal roast: Celebrities open fire on drugs, hookers, violence

“There’s gonna be some vicious s— said on stage tonight,” promised a staffer on Comedy Central’s roast of Charlie Sheen. And he was right. Celebrity roasters took the dais for the much-buzzed-about special and open fired, mocking Sheen’s history of drug use and employing prostitutes, as well as allegations of the actor abusing women. Here’s EW’s slightly NSFW live blog from the Culver City event (and if you just want to read the eight meanest jokes, go here):

Comedian Jeffrey Ross throws some tough punches: “Charlie’s meltdown was so bad Al Gore is making a documentary about it. Charlie’s nostrils are so snotty and full of coke he calls them ‘the Hilton sisters.’ … Charlie if you’re ‘winning,’ something is wrong with the scoreboard. If you’re winning, this must not be a child custody hearing. The only time your kids get to see you is in reruns — don’t you want to live to see their first 12 steps? [Sheen’s ex wife] Brooke Mueller is not very bright unless Charlie throws a lamp at her. … Mike Tyson, your opponents spent more time bleeding in the corner than Charlie’s ex-wives.”

Host Seth MacFarlane takes the stage and starts in on Sheen, “a man who was great in two things 25 years ago.” He notes CBS’ Two and a Half Men will air a mock funeral for Sheen’s character during its premiere on the same night the Comedy Central roast airs but, “You can just wait a couple months and see the real thing.” MacFarlane then started to read an obituary he wrote for Sheen, saying the actor was found dead in his apartment, then stopped: “I just kinda just copied Amy Winehouse’s obituary,” adding he “only had to change a few things … like calling him a ‘talent who will be missed.'” Then MacFarlane said: “You’ve seen his movies [and] if you’re a prostitute you’ve seen him point a gun at your face while you try to get him hard. … Charlie, you claim to have ‘tiger blood,’ but after all the porn stars you’ve [had sex with], it’s probably Tiger Wood’s blood … How do you get fired from Two and a Half Men? Do they haul you in and say, ‘Sorry, you don’t suck enough?'”

Jon Lovitz takes the dais: “How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.” … Lovitz also threw a shot at fellow roaster, Private Practice star Kate Walsh: “Kate could play younger roles but she lacks one thing: moisture.”

Walsh is introduced by MacFarlane as “the hottest actress of 2002.” Walsh shoots back: “The only difference between [Seth] and the hooker Charlie locked in the closet is the hooker eventually came out.” Then: “Charlie, you’re an incredible medical specimen, one of the benefits of waking up at the crack of crack.” And then: “It’s amazing, after abusing your lungs, liver and kidneys, the only thing you’ve had removed is your kids.” (And that one gets an ohhhh from the audience).

Comedian Anthony Jeselnik starts out with a low blow, referencing the actor taking over Spin City: “The only reason you got on TV in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox. … You dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s kid. … You’ve convinced more woman to get abortions than the pre-natal test for Down syndrome.”

Mike Tyson is on stage. He keeps nervously playing with his jacket, his jokes have a profane poetry slam theme. This segment is going to be edited pretty heavily. If more than 90 seconds of this makes it on the air, I’d be surprised. “This wife beating coke head who claims he’s a rock star from Mars, if he were black he’d be behind bars” — like that.

Steve-O starts off by mocking the low-wattage dais: “The last time this many nobodies got roasted at least the band Great White was playing.” Then takes on Sheen: “Your nose is like my ass, there’s nothing you won’t shove up there. … You do have magical powers: your wife, your job, your teeth. … Charlie still hasn’t hit rock bottom, he’s is looking forward to it though because he thinks there’s a rock there.”

Comedian Amy Schumer mocks the dais first, Tyson (“You have a slutty lower back tattoo on your face”) and William Shatner (“I’ve seen less bloated men dragged out of rivers”). Then hits Sheen: “There’s no denying how famous you are. It was international news when you ruined the lives of those two girls living with you, your daughters. … You’re just like Bruce Willis — you were big in the 80s and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.”

MacFarlane introduces Shatner as “the guy who played Captain Kirk on Star Trek before it looked like gay guys working in a Mac store.” Shatner replied by telling the audience, “keep it going for Chaz Bono.” Shatner then gets on Sheen: “I know another guy who was kind to whores and he got crucified by Jews too. … I’ve had sex in space with green women; you’ve had sex with blue women because they couldn’t handle their drugs… Would it kill you to open a door for [a woman] before locking her in a closet?”

And FINALLY … Charlie Sheen himself, giving his rebuttal: “Until tonight I never realized how f—ed up I was. I just thought I was having fun … Kate Walsh, I don’t know anybody who watches your show, because I date woman who can still get their period. When the show gets canceled it’s the worst news your fan will hear until her cat gets Leukemia. … Jon Lovitz, just last week we chatted in the backyard and had a few laughs, then he got back on the mower and drove off. … Amy Schumer, you really f—ed me tonight, which is great because I’m into anonymous sex, and nobody is more anonymous than you. … I asked William Shatner to be here because I needed some clean urine; I had to wring it out of the diaper, but it did its job.” He concluded: “Once again, I come out unscathed. You can’t hurt me. I can’t kill me … Did you really think your little jokes were going to hurt me? I did porn stars. I did drugs. Then I did the one thing everybody in America wishes he could do. I told my boss to f— off. And then it was gone. … I’m done with ‘the winning’ because I’ve already won.”

Bare-breasted toga models grace the roast's red carpet

Read more:
Charlie and Martin Sheen reunite for ‘Apocalypse Now’ parody video — EXCLUSIVE VIDEO

Charlie Sheen roast will be a ‘comedy intervention’
Jon Cryer reveals ‘Men’ details: Alan is Ashton’s love mentor, Charlie’s death addressed all season — EXCLUSIVE
Charlie Sheen’s first Comedy Central roast teaser — VIDEO


Comments (120 total) Add your comment
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  • MysterWright

    Ask craft services about these tiger’s blood snow cones, yo! They’re winning large with me!

  • RJM

    Since this crap is unimportant, I’m going to post this here — you need to update your live tv listings to change if and when they do. Tonight’s tv still says women’s US Open final, but it’s the semifinal. Final is tomorrow.

    • hmm

      Right, cause that’s important to know

      • phuc hue

        hahahaha

  • James

    “Could it just be that some people want to stay in the spotlight and love attention so much they don’t mind if it’s negative?”

    Yes. Plus, lots of people will commend him for being a “good sport,” and “being able to make fun of himself.”

  • Mark

    This is the worst live blog ever…nothing has been updated for over an hour..huh??

  • anonymous

    Sucker

  • Meg

    What does the picture have to do with anything?

    • James

      Read the caption.

  • KFed

    Kate Walsh’s Seth zing is GOLD!

    • Toni

      Yeah, her inclusion surprised me, but she seems to have had the most acid zingers of all.

  • Fingerly

    @Meg – I guess because Sheen has goddesses? Maybe that’s supposed to be a goddess?

  • Fingerly

    DAIS. it’s a dais. great review, but Dias is spanish plural for ‘days’. Love ya James, but DAIS. Wouldn’t be so bad except they mention the dais several times per roast. DAIS. #I’mAJerkAboutSpellingErrors

    • John

      “DIAS” I’m glad someone pointed that out… I guess there’s no editors in Live-Blogging

    • Toe-erly

      James either fixed it or you are on the pipe, good sir(s).

  • Roy Munson

    I miss Greg Giraldo!! : (

    • Ramey

      I second that. This roast was tailor-made for Giraldo. He would have slayed at this one.

    • PN

      But he works on Fox News Channel now. He’s moved on, but I’m sure he would have had a complete grilling on Charlie Sheen if he was asked to appear at that venue.

      • Emily

        Jeez–Not GERALDO Rivera!! Greg Giraldo, the comedian who died.

      • NYCky

        Thats Funny! I thought he was also making a “Greg Giraldo was in hell joke” by referring he was now on Fox News…

        After seeing what Greg did to Denis Leary on “Tough Crowd” I also thought this roast would’ve been perfect for Greg…R.I.P.

    • Dave

      When I heard Greg Giraldo died I laughed hysterically. He finally got a taste of his own medicine. Burn in hell Greg. And he has kids…double burn!!!!

      • DifferentGreg

        Tell him hi for me when you get there!

      • NYCky

        !!!!!!BURN!!!!! <—- In my best Kelso; Ashton Kutcher voice. See what I did there?

        JackHole… R.I.P. Greg

  • homeskillet

    Seth, Steve-O and Kate Walsh sound the funniest so far. Can’t wait to watch it.

    • trcelyn

      There is NOTHING funny about steve-o comment about people being roasted while great white was playing..and if you were standing there watching the club burn and people die and wondering if your friends and loved ones got out I doubt you’d find any humor in that comment either..100 people died in that fire.

      • Ray

        I live in Rhode Island and i know people who were either killed or highly traumatized by that night club fire and I find Steve-Os comments to be highly personally offensive. This “joke” was in extremely poor taste and I believe a public apology is in order.

      • Drew

        LOL, Steve-O offensive? So whats new?
        A public apology from him? Celebrities only publish those if they have a public image to maintain!

      • RI Native

        You don’t joke about that. To us RI’s that is like joking about 9/11…it hits us close to home.

      • PN

        He shouldn’t have said that about the Great White concert venue that unfortunately got on fire and people died. I don’t think that anybody in that audience laughed about that during that roast. Next time, Steve-O learn to be sensitive about some things when you write your jokes.

      • teeps

        I am not from RI, but I second your comments. That was a ridiculously stupid comment.

      • Vigs

        I didn’t get the reference at first, but now I agree that it was tasteless and offensive, which should only be directed at Charlie. I’m not terribly surprised it’s Mr. O, though. Didn’t the hypocrite get upset when someone joked about the other Jackass guy’s recent death?

      • Sam

        Steve-O I hope there is a burning car in your future. But then consider the source: sticks anything up his A-S Creep.

      • Johnny

        You people will get upset and piss and moan about anything. So people died. That’s like saying that jokes about the death of a grandmother are in bad taste, because grandmothers have died? Seriously, chill. If you don’t like it, I’m sure you’ll find plenty of tasteful humor on The Disney Channel. Stay away from Spongebob, wouldn’t want a fart joke upsetting you cause daddy is incontinent or anything… ugh.

      • Jax

        I think he got a taste of his own medicine when that woman joked about Ryan Dunn’s death soo lets just get over it and move on geez you’re acting like a 7 year old

  • sportswannabe

    Shatner sounds hilarious.

  • Greg Giraldo

    Absolute rubbish. Glad I am six feet under.

    • TvTroz

      Dude… no, don’t do that….

    • raelalt

      ^^^ Zombie Alert ^^^

  • Dave

    Judging from these “jokes,” I’m pretty sure I won’t be watching. Not funny at all.

  • Sabda

    How could Mike Tyson’s comments be any worse than the rest of them? This is not just roasting, this is offending to anyone with a brain.

    • RoastMaster

      Ironically, I think you meant this is “OFFENSIVE” to anyone with a brain.

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