Charlie Sheen roast: The 8 meanest jokes

charlie-sheen-roast

Image Credit: Christopher Polk/Getty

Here’s the Top 8 most brutal jokes from Charlie Sheen’s roast (at least, among those we can print):

1. “You’re just like Bruce Willis — you were big in the 80s and now your old slot is being filled by Ashton Kutcher.” — Amy Schumer

2. “If you’re winning, this must not be a child custody hearing. The only time your kids get to see you is in reruns — don’t you want to live to see their first 12 steps?” — Jeffrey Ross

3. “Brooke Mueller is not very bright unless Charlie throws a lamp at her. … Mike Tyson, your opponents spent more time bleeding in the corner than Charlie’s ex wives.” — Jeffrey Ross

4. “The only reason you got on TV in the first place is because God hates Michael J. Fox.” — Anthony Jeselnik

5.  “Charlie still hasn’t hit rock bottom. He’s looking forward to it though, because he thinks there’s a rock there.” — Steve-O

6. “You dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s kid.” — Anthony Jeselnik

7. “It’s amazing — after abusing your lungs, liver and kidneys, the only thing you’ve had removed is your kids.” — Kate Walsh

8. “Charlie, you claim to have ‘tiger blood,’ but after all the porn stars you’ve [had sex with], it’s probably Tiger Woods’ blood.” — Seth MacFarlane

For many more jokes from Charlie Sheen’s Comedy Central roast — including Sheen’s rebuttal — here’s our live blog of the event.

UPDATE: Charlie Sheen roast ratings are in

 

SEE MORE: Charlie and Martin Sheen reunite for ‘Apocalypse Now’ parody video — EXCLUSIVE VIDEO

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  • Bev

    Those were crude jokes…mean is right because they sure weren’t funny.

    • JR

      They are hilarious. Lighten up. Charlie Sheen seemed to take everything in stride… he was being roasted after all.

      • Say it ain’t so …

        Sheen took everything in stride !
        Good for him,
        because I sure the hell didn’t .

      • Matt

        Michael J. Fox just made fun of himself for an entire episode of “Curb” so I’d say he can be made fun of because he’s a big enough man to take it in stride. Props to Fox for that episode too, hilarious.

      • KLH

        Loved Amy Schumer’s joke. :)

      • Tom

        Some of the weakest lamest jokes anyone could imagine. Sad.

      • B@man

        Shouldn’t #1 say he’s just like Demi Moore instead of Bruce Willis?

      • Kelcie

        I love how because someone doesn’t find crude jokes funny they need to “lighten up”.

      • MinkyUrungus

        Good. You should have nothing to complain about then. 2=-D

      • To B@man

        I don’t think you understand the joke.

      • Hoboken WInner

        What happened to the Casey Anthony kid joke and the Great White RI Roast joke that EW reported on the other day?
        “Charlie dropped out of school faster than Casey Anthony’s kid”
        “The last time a bunch of nobodys got together for a Roast, Great White was playing”
        I watched the re-broadcast and those jokes were missing. Were they in the original or did Comedy Central cave in to censorship?

      • SisterZip

        KLH, I’m with you! Amy’s joke was great!

      • richromancvb

        My best friend ,she met a good man and they love each other. I’am a sweet, friendly, honest (sometimes too honest), caring girl in search of¬ “the one”.I’ve been single for over two years so i got Queenna2011 on —.—–Mαtch’Rich.С’⊙M———.it is the first and best club for wealthy people and their admirers. …you don’t have to be rich ,but you can meet one there ..
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      • jj

        What’s funny is that they keep making fun of Kate Walsh about being in Grey’s Anatomy. What’s even more funnier is that they don’t even know that she’s not in that show anymore. Which makes me believe them when they say they don’t watch any of her show.LOL

      • Tom

        some of these jokes were real stinkers

      • Mark C

        Hilarious? Other than the Ashton Kutcher joke, there’s not a funny one in the lot.

      • bishop999

        stride (strd)
        v. strode (strd), strid·den (strdn), strid·ing, strides
        v.intr.
        1. To walk with long steps, especially in a hasty or vigorous way.

        That would imply that a person isn’t shaking like an unbalanced load.

    • DJ Roomba

      # 1 is effing HILARIOUS!

      • Ethan

        I agree, that first one’s awesome. #4 made me chuckle too.

      • weenys

        #2 is the best…12 steps!

      • Tom

        Boring!

    • Jerri

      It’s a roast not a cuddling. Lighten up Bev

    • beat me up

      Call me names but I get Jeffrey Ross’ Mike tyson joke! Does he mean Mike’s opponents have spent LESS time in a corner bleeding?

      • cg

        I think so. Either way, not funny.

      • beat me up

        Right!

      • t

        No. The joke still works.

      • Laura K.

        I would assume it was a joke aimed at Mike Tyson…they roast each other, too.

    • beat me up

      Pls explain the Mike tyson joke to me!

      • Dee

        Mike Tyson was a boxer who beat people up and left them bleeding, but he wasn’t as bad as Charlie was to his ex-wives.

      • beat me up

        The u dee! But shouldn’t he have said that tysons opponents spent LESS time in the corner? To say they spent more time means tyson’s opponents failed worse than Charlie’s exes thus giving Charlie a compliment….don’t mean to be a pri ck but I sincerely don’t get it.

      • Tom

        Who is Tyson?

      • beat me up

        Mike tyson. Why does the joke say Mike tyson opponent spent more time in the corner bleeding? If sheen is the object of the joke, shouldnt it be Mike tyson opponents spent LESS time in the corner bleeding? I know I sound annoying but this is really bothering me!

      • Tom

        See? The jokes were that bad. They don’t even make sense to be funny. pah

      • dave

        you’re all actually retarded. it means charlie sheen knocked up/got his wives pregnant very quickly. all of these jokes were funny.

      • kippe

        What does a pregnant woman have to do with bleeding in.a corner? And is Charlie known for knocking up chicks?

      • kippe

        I mean he had kids with his ex wives but nothing over the top. None of the goddesses got knocked up

      • besimon

        Tyson is the guy who bit off his opponent’s ear – and Jeff Ross is calling him the gentle one.

      • beat me up

        @besimon…. W/ all do respect ur interpretation doesn’t work. If Ross is saying tyson is gentle compared to sheen, then why would tysons opponents spend More time in a corner bleeding than sheen’s ex wives?

      • Asdf Jkl;

        The Mike Tyson thing refers to the fact that most of Tyson’s opponents did NOT spend any time bleeding in the corner because they were knocked out in the first round.

      • kermit

        Asdf—– how does that relate to Charlie’s ex wives?

      • tom

        I don’t think it actually does.

      • beat me up

        Tom, I don’t think so either….lol

      • T

        It’s amazing how you’re all over thinking the joke. The implication is that Sheen beat his ex wives. That’s the punchline. Having it be “Less bloody” doesn’t make a difference, it’s just a way to link Tyson to Sheen and allude to the rumours of Sheen’s past.

      • beat me up

        @T ….thanks. I didn’t think Jeff Ross would create some joke as intellectual as the show Lost. And does this mean the guy who called us regards is really the retard after all?

      • BC

        The joke was towards Mike Tyson. The roasters ussually attack the other roasters before they get to the guest of honor

      • Jom

        Wow you idiots. It wasn’t an attack on Mike Tyson. Jeffrey Ross pointed at Mike Tyson (one of the roasters) and said, ” Your opponents spent more time bleeding in the corner than Charlie’s ex wives.” This was in reference to Charlie’s history of domestic abuse.

      • malmn

        this joke sucks. one can understand what he was referring to (charlie’s abusive past), but it is not well structured or said. on the other hand, all the other jokes listed are very funny. :)

      • gordon

        what’s not funny about the Tyson joke is the fact that he brutally beat his ex-wife, actress Robin Givens, and is a convicted rapist (for raping a different woman altogether).

    • stu

      on #7……his teeth too.

      • beat me up

        Huh

      • MinkyUrungus

        He’s had some rotten teeth removed.

    • B

      I think it’s even funnier because you don’t think it’s funny.

    • Nunya

      All of them were funny, very, very funny. I’m still laughing.

      • TataSisterhood

        Truth!

    • Hmm…

      If you are willing to be roasted, you should know things will get a bit nasty. I’m sure he was well aware of what he was getting himself into.

    • Charlie

      Bev, Lighten up. People like you are the reason the world going to Hell. So many people without a sense of humor.

      • I like Pie

        What’s the funny part about Caylee not making it to school?

      • Syrio

        Her mom took a wrong turn.

    • Dream Out Loud

      I can understand why some of you don’t like these jokes. not everyone can be Jay Leno.

      • fool

        i see what you did there

      • Timmy

        Even Jay Leno isn’t Jay Leno anymore.

      • Travis

        Now THAT is funny

    • mikeman

      it’s a roast, dude.

    • Trish Robinson

      Charlie has lost me recently but 99% of those “jokes” were highly inappropriate even for Hollywood.

    • DJ

      Get a life Bev or go back to watching Glee.
      The jokes were great. #1 especially!

    • Wzrd1

      So, crude jokes are evil, huh?
      Too bad, get over yourself. It’s called humor, which comes in crude forms as well as refined forms.
      Why don’t you try growing a sense of humor?

      • Mifty

        That you’re laughing at this crap doesn’t mean you have a sense of humor, it just means you get off on cheap shots thrown out for shock value. It’s not the same thing as any real appreciation for humor. But that takes a three-digit IQ, so it’s not really your fault.

    • kristine

      I don’t get #6 and I think it is better that way.

    • Luke

      Those jokes are hilarious. A roast is brutal hard R-rated comedy that is meant to tear the guest of honor to pieces. If you don’t like it don’t pay attention to roasts. They aren’t for you.

    • Bigrcube

      Ahem…..that’s what a ‘roast’ is all about.

    • Aero

      For all of you people having a cow, lighten up! That’s the whole point of a ROAST, to be funny in as mean and tasteless a manner as possible. People know what they’re getting themselves in for and love it. The jokes are just that….jokes. And these were hilarious in my opinion.

    • juice

      You know what a roast is, right?

    • steve

      It drives me nuts to see all the humorless idiots on here saying something isnt funny. Being offended by something is different than something being unfunny. The Casey Anthony joke is hilarious. To all you judgemental dummies, i suggest you go to youtube and search “Patrice Oneal schools brawd on funny” That will explain everythng perfectly.

    • Get Over It

      You turn on a roast and you expect, what? Politically correct humor?

      You turn on a roast of CHARLIE FREAKING SHEEN and then whine about ‘crude’ jokes? Jesus, people are stupid. Just in case you didn’t get it, I meant -you- specifically.

      Next time, darlin’, try one of the UP or DOWN arrow buttons on your remote control… or, better yet, don’t share your worthless opinions about a worthless bit of entertainment with the rest of us Internet basement dwellers.

      Next.

    • Clyde M

      They were frightfully funny. Comedy shouldn’t always be clean and easy and kind. And when you are dealing with a target like Sheen, there’s a lot to work with.

  • Dave

    Wow, these really aren’t funny at all. These Comedy Central roasts always suck.

    • James Freud

      I can see around 80% of the people in this talkback obviously don’t know how a roast works.

      • Carla Jung

        Hey Freud, your slipping. Stick to psychoanalysis.

      • Mike

        * you’re

      • Carla Jung

        Thanks Mike. You da man !

      • Frazer Crane

        Lighten up, Carla. I’m listening. And laughing.

      • Dave

        I know exactly how a roast should work, James. The thing is, it should still be funny. Comedy Central roasts aren’t funny.

      • cig

        Talkback?????

    • Stuart

      You’d think good material would practically write itself with a target like Sheen.

      Now that Sheen lost his show biz career at least he can make some money as a plumber. He has a lot of experience with pipes after all.

      Sheen lost a lucrative TV commercial spokesperson gig for Pepsi, because he tested positive for Coke.

      What’s one difference between Charlie Sheen and a prostitute?
      A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

      • Blake

        Now that was funny! CC should buy material from you; much better than in the article. Love the Pepsi/Coke joke.

      • John

        Haha A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again. Nice dude A+

      • Adam

        Do me a favor… go to any open mic, do those jokes, and let me know how many cricket chirps you hear.

    • Tom

      It was the stupidest roast I have ever witnessed.

    • Wzrd1

      Yeah, well, Dean Martin is dead. Get used to it.

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  • Garen

    I usually like this kind of humor, the highly-offensive shock value stuff, but for me and idk about anyone else, making fun of Michael J. Fox isn’t funny. Sorry guys, Marty Mcfly can’t be touched.

    • Captain

      I think the Caylee Anthony one is more offensive than the Michael J. Fox. I love Michael J. Fox (as a fellow Canadian, I think I legally have to) but that joke was funny.

      • Fiveagainstone

        Yeah, the Casey Anthony joke was tasteless, but the MJF joke was funny. I think the best joke was the Tiger Woods joke.

      • Scott

        @Fiveagainstone, I agree. The MJF one was mean, but he is alive and can laugh at himself or stand up and protest to an offensive joke. #6 was about a MURDER … of a toddler … excuse me while I go puke. >:-(

      • Mel

        Agreed! I know this is a roast but anyone referencing the murder of a young child – or anyone for that matter – shows how thoughtless he or she is and is in bad taste. Come on people, just because its a roast doesn’t make it excusable. Roasts are supposed to be cuttingly brutal, not completely heartless. And yes, I find the Michael J. Fox joke offensive too.

      • @ you all

        and not only was it not funny, it did';t make any sense since she was 2. I guess he wanted shock value for shock’s sake whether it was tasteful (who cares) or made sense (I care).

      • L

        Yeah I am not easily offended at all, but that Casey Anthony joke was a little too much, especially since it focused on Casey’s child rather then Casey herself.

    • MelindaB

      I don’t like this kind of humor, and you’re right–making fun of Michael J. Fox is not cool. Dating myself here, but I miss the Dean Martin roasts. (Then again, I was a kid when they were on, and possibly most jokes went over my head and they were meaner than I remember.)

      • pastafarian

        I went back and watched a few. Incredibly dated, and hokier than you prolly remember. Today’s maybe be more crude, but I doubt Dean’s were much funnier.

      • kerry

        pastafarian: Anyone who wrotes “prolly” is probably not entitled to an opinion.

      • Jeri

        “Anyone who wrotes”. HiLARious!

      • Claire

        I know!! I love it people correct other’s grammar and spelling…and F it up themselves! Classic!

      • MelindaB

        Dated? Well, yeah, they are 30-40 plus years old. Hokey? By today’s general mindset, where people are used to crude and lewd so-called humor, possibly. However, i don’t find crude and lewd to be funny, so I’d take hokey any day.

        Kelly’s “wrotes” was a typo, unlike “prolly.”

      • kerry

        Deserve the criticism. However, Wrotes is a typo. Prolly is just wrong.

      • jason

        Really, English professor? This is a comment section, not a term paper. If your biggest worry is people’s spelling and grammar, you must have a pretty easy life.

      • Lyndsey

        The Dean Martin roasts actually were, and still are, pretty hilarious. I love a good roast but this was extreme…yet being that it was for Charlie Sheen how could it be anything but extreme? :-/

      • Ben

        Don Rickels was in every Dean Martin Roast. He was the King of Mean. No subject was off limits. You have a selective memory. They have drugs for that…

      • I like Pie

        “wrotes” LMAO!!

    • Brett

      The hell he can’t. Fox isn’t off limits. People have been mocking him since long before the Parkinson’s.

    • Jen E.

      I love MJF too, but he has a great sense of humor so I’m sure he took it in stride. The Casey Anthony joke though? Yeesh.

      • Bosco

        I doubt that Michael J Fox even cares about what is said at a Charlie Sheen roast…

      • Josef Fritzl

        I’d make a Caylee joke, but if my mother sees it, she would murder me.

      • OBD

        ha

    • @Garen

      Then give MJF a call. Oh, and you might want to avoid last night’s Curb Your Enthusiasm where Michael makes fun of himself over and over.

      • Michelle

        MJF can make fun of himself all he wants…who are we to do that?

      • ad

        People. Get a sense of humor douche.

    • Michelle

      Michael J. Fox is off limits, just like Christopher Reeves was and still should be. And don’t give Casey Anthony any more unnecessary press. She should slip through the cracks like the slime that she is.

      • a

        Sorry. No. He makes fun of himself. Watch last night’s Curb and grow up.

      • Michelle

        As I posted in a comment above, MJF can make fun of himself all he wants…who are we to do that?

      • Meep

        As I didn’t post above, you follow the lead. Here is a guy who uses humor to deal with his disease in public. He probably appreciates humor back rather than pity. If you have an issue I suggest you send your rules of comedy to MJF and see what he thinks you fool. BTW, MJF wasn’t the only one who made fun of him on Curb.

      • MinkyUrungus

        The Thought Crime Law hasn’t been passed yet so, no, we’re good. No jokes are “off limits”.

      • Havilah

        Whats the opposite of Christopher Reeves?

        Christopher Walken.

      • TJC360

        Eminem – Skibbedy-be-bop, a-Christopher Reeves
        Sonny Bono, skis horses and hittin some trees (HEY!)

      • Syrio

        How the hell could Christopher Reeves be Superman he was always sitting down!

  • MelindaB

    I agree, Captain–using a dead child as a punchline in a joke is simply tasteless. I gasped aloud while reading it.

    • justsayin

      @melindab – Hi, melinda see this lil dot here . thats the point and it just flew right past you…

      • jp

        What “point” flew past her, justsayin? She’s absolutely right. Snark about a murdered child is bullsh*t. Stop trying to be a wit and start trying to be a human being.

      • MelindaB

        What point did I miss–that comedy is subjective?

      • MinkyUrungus

        The Anthony joke was hilarious. Sensitive folks’ reactions to it are almost just as funny.

    • oballer

      *simply hilarious

    • Sean

      That’s the point… its crude offensive humor… freedom of speech, and its your choice not to tune in… but save the judgement and don’t waste your time if its not for you…

      • Tori

        But the fact is that it’s not funny. It’s not funny at all.

      • Graham

        Ok but you can’t tell people to reserve their judgement. If you put something out there in public, yeah we can turn it off, and yeah, we absolutely can call someone out for being tasteless and off base. It doesn’t take a prude to be offended over a murdered kid joke.

      • Syrio

        What’s the difference between a dump truck full of babies and a dump truck full of bricks?

        You can’t unload the bricks with a pitchfork!

  • Mike K

    That’s it? Wow, I thought they could do better than that…. Way better.

    • Sam P.

      I was thinking the same thing too, but we haven’t heard the jokes about the celebrities on the panel…those are usually funnier than the jokes about the person getting roasted.

  • Abby

    ewww that casey anthony thing was a bit tacky

  • Jeramie

    The Casey Anthony joke was very inappropriate.

    • oballer

      *hilarious

    • Nathan

      and awesome.

      • beat me up

        TOT mom joke was funny…cmon ppl!

      • ad

        Really? Cause she never went to school, so where exactly is the humor?

    • MinkyUrungus

      ‘Cuz we should only be allowed to hear a series of jokes that only exist within your strict guidelines? No, thanks.

    • Elizabeth

      I totally agree! Not funny at all and totally inappropriate!

  • olivia

    JERAMIE I AGREE WITH YOU-BUT THE REST WERE FUNNY AND VERY TRUE ABOUT CHARLIE AND HIS LIFE!

  • Zee

    Capslock retard, how annoying you must be irl as well…

    • TJCrinc

      probably the kind of person who talks real loud on a cellphone during a movie that is supposed to be good, but sucks because of people like them.

    • nelly

      Not as annoying as someone that uses the word retard Very offensive and show a lack of compassion and understanding .

  • Kim

    Don’t like the Anthony joke… But Kate Walsh’s was suprisingly funny.

    • olkennon

      nah kate walsh took the only low blow of the night when she said “ya its sad that ryan dunn is gone…especially since we were all like ‘why wasn’t it steve-o'”…steve-o didn’t look to happy

      • Taylor

        Kate Walsh didn’t say that Amy Schumer did

  • mArS

    The first one is awesome. The rest are bad jokes, very stupid.

  • Dee Jones

    OMG this jokes were brutal! Some were just too much like those that were mentioned.

  • K

    Meh…a lot of these jokes seemed to make fun of others in the process….Like bringing in Bruce Willis, Brooke Mueller, Michael J. Fox, and Casey Anthony’s child. This was a CHARLIE SHEEN roast…the jokes should have focused more on him and leave others out….that’s just my opinion though.

    • Cowards

      Exactly right K. Clearly the cowards who took cheap shots at other people had no good material about Sheen. Notice how they decided to go after people who weren’t there to respond? But, that’s what cowards do.

      • Danny

        what a bunch of crybabies you are. Grow some balls. “I audibly gasped at reading that”. “Cowards” “meanies”, you hurt my precious feelings. Charlie Sheen can take it. Not you bunch of politically correct brainwashed morons.

      • Katyo

        That’s not what cowards do, that’s what ROASTS do. I’m no expert, but the few roasts I’ve seen target pretty much anyone and everyone, either present or not. I doubt Bruce Willis or Michael J Fox really care what is said about them at an event like this.

      • Daren

        As far as Roasts normally go, this one sucked. Weak sauce.

      • I like Pie

        Well, DANNY, maybe the little girl’s family IS sensitive about her being murdered and left in the woods. I only hope that something along those lines happens to you some day, and then we’ll see how funny you think it is.

      • olkennon

        not weak sauce, weak dais with a bunch of nobodys that the network wanted on, but all and all good jokes…been to several roasts myself and you guys are extremely sensitive so don’t watch if its offensive. funny jokes, minus shatner’s awkward racist joke

      • Matt

        Obviously you haven’t seen a comedy central roast before. Everyone that is a part of the roast takes shot at each other before getting to the guest of honor.

        @I like Pie, you are obviously a much better human being then someone who made a tasteless joke about a murdered child to wish that happens to someone else. Way to show your class.

    • fede

      seems like someone never saw a roast

  • Manu

    The last one is pretty funny

  • James

    Ouch, a lot of the jokes were at other people’s expense. Steve-O nailed it best with #5 as it’s a jab poked solely at Sheen himself. They’re all funny, but some made me wince and that’s hard to do!

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