“There’s gonna be some vicious s— said on stage tonight,” promised a staffer on Comedy Central’s roast of Charlie Sheen. And he was right. Celebrity roasters took the dais for the much-buzzed-about special and open fired, mocking Sheen’s history of drug use and employing prostitutes, as well as allegations of the actor abusing women. Here’s EW’s slightly NSFW live blog from the Culver City event (and if you just want to read the eight meanest jokes, go here):
– Comedian Jeffrey Ross throws some tough punches: “Charlie’s meltdown was so bad Al Gore is making a documentary about it. Charlie’s nostrils are so snotty and full of coke he calls them ‘the Hilton sisters.’ … Charlie if you’re ‘winning,’ something is wrong with the scoreboard. If you’re winning, this must not be a child custody hearing. The only time your kids get to see you is in reruns — don’t you want to live to see their first 12 steps? [Sheen's ex wife] Brooke Mueller is not very bright unless Charlie throws a lamp at her. … Mike Tyson, your opponents spent more time bleeding in the corner than Charlie’s ex-wives.”
– Host Seth MacFarlane takes the stage and starts in on Sheen, “a man who was great in two things 25 years ago.” He notes CBS’ Two and a Half Men will air a mock funeral for Sheen’s character during its premiere on the same night the Comedy Central roast airs but, “You can just wait a couple months and see the real thing.” MacFarlane then started to read an obituary he wrote for Sheen, saying the actor was found dead in his apartment, then stopped: “I just kinda just copied Amy Winehouse’s obituary,” adding he “only had to change a few things … like calling him a ‘talent who will be missed.’” Then MacFarlane said: “You’ve seen his movies [and] if you’re a prostitute you’ve seen him point a gun at your face while you try to get him hard. … Charlie, you claim to have ‘tiger blood,’ but after all the porn stars you’ve [had sex with], it’s probably Tiger Wood’s blood … How do you get fired from Two and a Half Men? Do they haul you in and say, ‘Sorry, you don’t suck enough?’”
– Jon Lovitz takes the dais: “How much blow can Charlie Sheen do? Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.” … Lovitz also threw a shot at fellow roaster, Private Practice star Kate Walsh: “Kate could play younger roles but she lacks one thing: moisture.” READ FULL STORY »
