Nick Kroll is about to be in a league all his own. The stand-up/actor/writer — who plays the shameless Ruxin on FX comedy The League — is taking center stage with Kroll Show, his sketch comedy series premiering tonight at 10:30 p.m. on Comedy Central. Piloted by Kroll, Jonathan Krisel (Portlandia), and John Levenstein (Arrested Development), Kroll Show features recurring characters, questionable facial hair, surprise Gatorade showers, and a human-canine speed-dating show. Plus: Appearances by comedic forces like Ed Helms, Adam Pally, Fred Arimsen, JB Smoove, Maria Bamford, Jason Mantzoukas, and Chelsea Peretti! Sound pretty good? Hold on a sec. Herewith, Kroll offers you five reasons not to watch his show.
1. “If you hate reality show spin-offs, don’t watch Kroll Show. The show starts with two publicists named Liz and their own reality show called PubLIZity, played by Jenny Slate and me. And on that show we meet Dr. Armond, who is California’s premier animal plastic surgeon, and he gets his own spin-off in the next episode called Armond of the House. Then when he gets a divorce and moves into the Sportsmen’s Lodge, that spins off into another show called Armond About Town, and he’s looking for love. But since he’s left the house, his 15-year-old spoiled son, Roman, played by Andy Milonakis, gets his own show called Roman’s Empire, and we meet Roman’s bad influence/best friend, C-czar, who is a toilet baby and has an infected lip ring. And he gets his own show called C-czar’s Palace. And eventually Jenny Slate’s Liz and C-czar go on a date on a Shipmates-esque dating show called Ice Dating that Dave Holmes hosts. And throughout this we see more PubLIZity and end with a season finale wedding. So if you don’t feel fulfilled by sketches that constantly tie back together, you definitely are not going to like this.”
2. “Don’t watch Kroll Show if you like Degrassi, because in ‘Wheels Ontario’ — about a new kid who enters a high school filled with kids in wheel chairs and is branded as the outsider nicknamed ‘Legs’ — you won’t like how much we decimate the format of polite Canadian blandness, mixed with unbelievable levels of melodrama. Also, if you’re looking for wheelchair jokes, that’s not what we’re after. We’re trying to break the Guinness World Record for Canada jokes in a sketch.”
3. “If you were hoping that I was going to wash the blackboard clean of all my preexisting characters and start fresh, you’re going to be disappointed to know that a number of the characters I’ve created over the years will be part of this show. Bobby Bottleservice (above) will be back in sketches like Ghost Bouncers, which is a Ghost Hunters-esque reality show, and he bounces ghosts with his partner Peter Paparazzo, played by Jon Daly. They go to a historical site that used to be a brothel, and there’s a ghost haunting the place who was a girl about to turn her first trick, and Bobby falls in love with the ghost because she’s clearly a virgin whore. And there’s “Oh Hello,” in which John Mulaney and I play Upper West Side middle-aged divorcees who are obsessed with Alan Alda, and they’re back with things like the hit prank show Too Much Tuna. Well, I guess, in reality, suspecting guests, because they always state that they’re about to deliver too much tuna fish to someone who is sitting there listening to the entire intro to their prank show.”
4. “Don’t watch Kroll Show if you’re rooting for super rich a–holes who’ve never worked a day in their lives and see human life as disposable. You’re not going to like the Rich Dicks, Wendy Shawn and Aspen Bruckenheimer, played by Jon Daly and me. They can’t do anything without their maid ‘Suela. They say things like ‘dolfinately.’ They’d rather buy a new car than pick theirs up from the gas station. They’re as comfortable in their palatial house in the hills as they are in a kidnapping situation in Mexico, as long as there’s copious amounts of blow and painkillers. And they call cocaine ‘schneef.'”
5. “Don’t watch Kroll Show if you don’t have a Nielsen box. I honestly don’t care. Feel free to DVR it and not watch it because that will somehow help my ratings maybe, but honestly I’m talking to the four of you with a Nielsen box. If you have a Nielsen box, like, who are you? Where do you live? How do I find you? You’re a unicorn and I don’t believe that you exist.”