It was unclear if you’d be back to host the Golden Globes, and then you signed on for not just one more year but two. Why two?
AMY: I think we’re excited about getting to get in a little bit of a groove to do it, and –
TINA: – to not have to answer the question of “Were they invited back?”
AMY: And we like the rule of threes. This second time we’re just going to phone it in because we know we’re doing it a third time.
TINA: The third time we’re going to show a long highlight reel of the two times that we did it.
After the last Globes, there was talk that you should host the Oscars. Were you ever approached about that?
TINA: No. I think that’s just a much harder, much more time-consuming job, and a much more intimidating room. Even though it’s a lot of the same people, they’re just really nervous that night. That night is career-making or -breaking for people. Scary.
AMY: Tina and I together and separately have hosted enough things now that we know that round tables make for more laughing.
TINA: It’s the feng shui.
AMY: Round tables and drinking can help with laughing, and it’s tougher when you’re in stadium seating.
So it sounds like even if you were asked, you wouldn’t want to do it?
TINA: Yeah, I would never want to do it.
AMY: I wouldn’t want to either. The Golden Globes are just loose and weird enough that they fit us.
TINA: There are things that you realize that, even though it’s a big honor to do them, you never want to do them. Like host the Oscars. Give a college commencement speech. Pose for Playboy? [Sighs] Yes, it’s a huge honor, but you don’t want to do it.
When you look back at your Globes performance, what did you like about it? And what didn’t work for you?
TINA: Well, I watch it almost every day.
AMY: I was just about to say, I think I watched it once, and then I just couldn’t stand my face, and I couldn’t watch it again.
TINA: Same thing.
AMY: I think we’ll do somewhat of the same thing. We’ll keep a little war room backstage. It’s fun to think up jokes while the show’s going on.
TINA: The thing that I think was correct to do was that we just kept thinking our job was not to do a comedy show but to facilitate the awards show. Just keep it moving. So I think we’re going to come out even less.
AMY: We’re going to emulsify. It’ll be the most delicious 45 seconds. I mean, what can they do? Fire us?
What can people expect from next month’s Globes? Is there a tease you can throw out?
AMY: This is the year of big movie stars and tiny spaces. In boats.
TINA: In capsules.
AMY: And then going from a boat to a smaller capsule.
TINA: A movie where Meryl Streep gets stuck in an abandoned refrigerator. That was a good movie.
AMY: That movie where Brad Pitt’s in that sleeping bag. So I think the bigger the star, the smaller the space. There is a movie where George Clooney is inside a Ziploc bag.
TINA: He’s amazing in it.
AMY: I would predict movie stars, as well as television stars. What else can we say, Tina, that’s going to happen this year?
TINA: No singing, but a lot of dancing —
AMY: A lot of dancing, but with no music.
TINA: [Laughs] Without music, that’s what I was going to say!
AMY: We’re going to encourage people to go real long on their speeches.
TINA: I’m going to tell people to find it. Don’t stop talking until you “find it.”
AMY: At one point, we’re going to do some Pink-style aerial acrobatics.
TINA: We’re going to dress like geishas.
AMY: Because that seems to go over well.
TINA: And I’m going to use my feet to tweet things. I’m going to type with my feet and tweet-blog.
AMY: You’re gonna feet-tweet? Oh, that’s the best, because you’re always screwing up and –
TINA: You know when you’re typing something and it’s really screwed up but you keep typing because you think AutoCorrect will probably fix it? That’s what the show is going to be like.
Let’s talk about your plans to work together again. Are you throwing any ideas around?
TINA: Yeah, we’re definitely always trying to get something going, but Amy’s busy at Parks. We don’t have that downtime where we’re pitching tons of stuff. But we want to play Siamese-twin judges on a law procedural.
AMY: We’re talking 17-hour days, stuck together.
TINA: Sitting under one big robe.
AMY: Our condition does not get in the way of our judgment. And that’s what the show’s about: Even though we’re bound together, we’re not bound to each other’s ideals.
TINA: One of us is very conservative and the other is a recovering alcoholic, so it makes for great drama.
AMY: Yeah, we are working on a couple of things together. We’re going to do a dance movie, Step Up 10. We’re going to skip to 10.
TINA: This one’s about the dog steps that go up to your bed. Dog Step Up!
AMY: We’re just going to do the voices of the dogs. We’re also going to do, um…
TINA: Star Wars.
Congrats! Although J.J. Abrams is probably going to be mad that you just revealed that.
AMY: You know what? He can call me if he has a problem with it. We’re in the new Star Wars, we play –
TINA: Darth Vader’s mothers.
AMY: He has two horrible mothers. We know a lot of father stuff with Star Wars, and not a lot of mother stuff. We play these really naggy mothers of Darth Vader.
TINA: [in an elderly New Yorker accent] “Darth, eat! Why don’t you eat?” That kind of stuff.
AMY: “You’re never gonna find a girl when you go out looking like that!”
TINA: Making him practice his Jedi stuff for hours.
AMY: Hitting on all his Jedi friends inappropriately. I feel like the theme of the next Star Wars is going to be: How does a working mother juggle it all? I’m looking forward to that. What I like about all these giant superhero movies is that they speak to the issues that I’m dealing with right now — working mother and time management and how to be an interesting, sexual, curious woman in your 40s. That’s the kind of stuff that I like to see on the screen, and that’s what I see with a lot of the films out today.
Before we go, can you approve my expenses for the bagels, muffin, and orange juice?
TINA: Honestly, I approve the bagels and the muffin; nobody talked about juice. And Dan, this has been explained to you before. You can’t just go rogue here and buy a bunch of f—ing juice.
AMY: Dan, I can talk to you separately at a later time about the juice because I feel like I can get that juice for you if you just get me a day or two. [To Tina] But you’re right, Tina!
TINA: If we could amortize the juice and say that the Anchorman guys drank the juice last week —
AMY: If they could sponsor the juice somehow…
TINA: Or if this could be poured onto a Kia.
AMY: That would be amazing. Or if the cast of American Horror Story could be holding the juice…
TINA: Then maybe we can pay for it.
AMY: But other than that, I’m so sorry we can’t pay for the juice. [Whispering to EW] I will get that juice paid for you.